Volleyball.

At the top of this blog, I have a quote from Alan Cohen: "It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new. But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful. There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is life, and in change there is power.”

I found this quote during my sophomore year of college when I wanted to quit the volleyball team. I posted it on Facebook, but I didn't say what I was referring to because I didn't want people to know I was going to quit. By the end of my sophomore season, I was done. Swearing under my breath at people on my way to the gym for practice every day because I hated going there. Upset at myself for not getting better. Hating everything about that season. When my season ended two weeks early on a bad ankle sprain, I was a mess. I screamed like a crazy person when I got injured-- not because I was in so much pain, but because I believed my competitive volleyball career was over and I was pissed that it ended on a bad block. If you have never had your hands clamp up because you are crying so hard, I advise you to keep it that way. Sorry for anyone in the Fieldhouse (Mara Birge, you are a saint!) who had to listen to that. Cheree, thank you for not murdering me because I was ridiculous.

Rocking the Big Black Blob sweats and finally off crutches.

In my mind, I was done. Finished forever. Never going to play in a volleyball game again.
Yet, as usual, God works in ridiculous ways and I ended up playing my junior season. I was even excited about it. After our spring tournament at SFCC (Dizz, I wouldn't have made it if you hadn't broken into my room and woken me up. What a blessing you are), I was in. I had to be-- I was having too much fun to not play again.

Come training camp, I knew four days in that I had made a horrible mistake. But there I was-- tryouts had happened, people had been cut, and I was on the team. At that point, I knew I was going to give it my all for that season and be done at the end. Darcy McMurray, as much as I want to blame you, I can't thank you enough for convincing me to play that next year, because...

"You make beautiful things, you make beautiful things out of the dust..."

Tonight is Senior Night for the sweet freshmen that were on that junior year team. Bruister, J, and Stine... Add Whit and Anna into the mix, and you've got a class of five seniors that are rounding out their volleyball careers tonight. Right now, I'm online watching J dominate the outside and  "Stad-a-lee," as the announcer is saying, take on the role of middle. Stine's rocking the block and Whit is digging up a storm and loving every second of it. I remember my practices, games, and conference championship with these ladies and am so excited about how far they have come. I am so proud of my "B side"-- thanks for pushing me even when I didn't want to push myself. Kate, Holly, and Abi, you deserve that thanks just as much as anyone.

"Freshmen and Kathy"... I wouldn't have had it any other way.

I also remember the way that my junior year of volleyball blessed me, even in the midst of frustration and pain. That season, I learned how to serve without receiving anything in return. I learned that amazing things can happen when you make an intentional choice to make a situation the best it can be. I learned that if you wait long enough and try hard enough, Randi Stephens will be a friend for life. I learned that even when you aren't in the spotlight, there are always people who look up to you. And I learned that I still loved the game of volleyball, even if I didn't love to play it competitively anymore.

Senior Night.

I am amazed at the adventures that God has had me on since that time. "In movement there is life, and in change there is power"... I loved that line from the first time I read the quote, but I love it even more now that I can reflect on the power, change, adventure, and movement there has been in my life since the day I sat in Rupe's office with him and Darcy crying my eyes out, saying "I can't do it anymore" and them simply saying "We know, but we still love you." A decision that I put off for over a year was finally made, and chains were broken. I was free.

Tonight, as I watch the last set of teammates I ever had finishing out their careers, I am thankful for the role that volleyball played in my life. Sure, I haven't touched a ball in over a year and those days seem like a whole different lifetime, but even in the midst of pain, that junior year season-- one of the most emotionally challenging of my life-- taught me more about myself than I could ever imagine. Thanks, Whitworth Volleyball-- now go beat Linfield!!

My dear Randi/Randizzle/Dizz. Taken this past summer in Montana... So thankful for this girl!

These are a few of my favorite things.

I hear the bright yellow kettle on the stove, starting to hum quietly, not yet screeching...
I think of Callie Gordon, who pushes me to choose yellow... to choose happy... to choose life.

I decide it's time to get the hot chocolate ready... Which mug should I use tonight?
My Scrabble mug from Randi?
The mug Caty gave me for my birthday from her favorite coffee shop in Chehalis?
The one I received from Anna as a bridesmaid gift (that I accidentally ruined in the dishwasher but I can't bear to part with)?

I finally decide on the one from my mom, just for a little taste of home tonight. But all of them make me smile and reminisce, each paired with a sweet memory.
I have lesson plans waiting to be made, a cold rushing its way through my body, a brain that feels foggy, the Seahawks live updates coming to me on my phone...
But all I can focus on is the song stuck in my head.

"Christ alone, cornerstone.
Weak made strong, in the savior's blood.
Through the storm, He is Lord, Lord of all."

As the apartment lays quiet, I reflect on the day. The Skype session I got to have with Anna. The friends I sat next to at church tonight. The students I will have with me each day this week. The life that, two months ago, didn't even exist in this city...

I sit in awe at His faithfulness. His provision. His great and mighty love. Lord, may I lay it all at your feet... Continue to guide me closer and closer to you.

One year.

It has been exactly 8,760 hours.
365 days.
One year since I stepped on a plane in Seattle, WA headed out on the adventure of a lifetime.
My Ghana-versary.

Today, as I walked into Cottonwood, I remembered... Today's the day.
The day I cried in the airport talking to Devin as I was so nervous to leave. The day I looked forward to and thought about for months on end leading up to it. The day, ironically, my best friend also moved to Germany for three years. The day I finally listened to God's call of "Go."

I didn't know that Bismark would be the first kid at CORM to give me a hug, and I didn't know that Florence would capture my heart and I would miss her every. single. day. after I left. I didn't know Mary was going to move me and I didn't know that I would become friends with Robin Beebe. I didn't know that I would visit one of the poorest communities I will likely ever see and I didn't know that my heart would be filled to the brim, but also completely drained, and sometimes on the same day.

As I look back on this year, it is incredible to see the ways God has moved in my life. I had NO idea what I was getting myself into when I left for Ghana and He provided for me in all possible ways. I continue to cling to little glimpses of life there, whether it be pictures from Stacy or texts from Autumn or challenges from Robin. I also remember the first 5 of so months of my time abroad that just felt plain HARD. I continue to tell people that at no point did I feel like I made the wrong choice or wanted to go home, it was just a struggle. But, come March, I felt more alive in that place than I ever had before, and it was beautiful. In this past year, I have struggled with parts of my past and cried out about parts of my future. I can't count the number of times I said "OK God, I really need you to hurry up and show me where you want me next year!" If you would have seen me on my walks/runs, you would have probably thought I was crazy because I would walk along STARING at the sky, just hoping to see some formation in the clouds that told me where I was supposed to end up (oddly enough, I never found anything).

I could talk forever about how much I love these children, how thankful I am that I know both them and the adults I met in Ghana, and how I long for the day when I will return. But, in the end, it all comes down to gratitude to the Lord.

I sit here, procrastinating planning for tomorrow, and I ache for this day, a year ago... I would give anything to be back on my way to Ghana to spend time with the piece of my heart that is there. But I rest in His plan, thankful for the beautiful Tri-Cities sunsets and rainbows, exhausted after a crazy day at work, and blessed by the way He loves me.

My little Florence lovebug... Words cannot express how much joy this girl brings me. Watching LIFE come to her eyes over her first year at CORM was the most beautiful journey, filled with so much laughter and love. Autumn & Stacy, keep loving on this little one for me!!

Not that I have favorites... But I do. Ok, I admit it. And little Gamali is right up there with my sweet girl. I can still so clearly picture his little giggle and his running hugs.

Ushering in little lovebug as I am preparing to leave... I would have kept it together if it weren't for this little one. But I just LOVE Raphael's face! It's so perfectly him! :)

And this little guy... My Bismark. He was stuck spending many, many, MANY hours working one-on-one with me. I still have a paper where it took us 5 days to write the numbers 1-9 3 times... But by golly, he did it! So thankful I was able to be there to make his transition to school for the first time go a little more smoothly.

Devin

Right now, I am eating a McFlurry in Ritzville, WA and it's one of the happiest McFlurries of my life... Which is saying something, because these were GREAT as a kid! But today, it's a great day because I'm on the road to celebrate...

DEVIN! (With the sweet red scarf! This is the only picture I have of us that I can figure out how to upload, but Tricia and I will have to join in the picture!)

Today, I celebrate the Devin Whitmill I have been blessed to know for five years. Devin and I met our freshman year at Whitworth when we were both fall-sport athletes who had no time for friends, fun, or much of a social life at all. But as time grew on, Little Dev began spending more and more time on our hall. Second semester, she became an official Bat Cave member when she moved in with Tricia, across the hall from me!

One of the first things anyone who meets Devin will notice is the joy with which she approaches life. So much time has been spent on the Giggle Train with this girl that you can't help to just love being in her presence. However, some of my favorite moments with Devin have been e-mails that spill our hearts to each other, late night talks in the Burrow about anything and everything, conversations in Boppell about Jesus and mercy and love... Times when Devin is so great at being exactly where she is, digging into people and truly, honestly wanting to learn more about them every day. Devin, I am grateful for the way you have continued to love me, even when I struggled to be present in your life. I am grateful that you loved me both when you were in China and when I was in Ghana, making sure you shared updates of your life and encouraged me through thick and thin. And thank you for loving me when I returned-- messy and broken, but you took me in anyway.

Tomorrow, Devin Whitmill becomes Devin Bushy... Ryan sure is a lucky guy! Watching these two grow with each other over the last 3 years has been such an adventure. I am so proud of the way they have leaned on each other, forgiven each other, loved each other, and most of all, loved Jesus more than anything. I am so excited to celebrate the continuation of their life together, and the start of their journey as husband and wife.

Devin, I just want the world to know how grateful I am for you, your wisdom, and your intentional, consistent love. You are going to be the most beautiful bride and I can't wait to see what God has in store for you and Ryan. Happy wedding weekend, Mrs. Bushy! I love you!

Montana

Today, I celebrate 24 years of Randi Leigh Stephens and the beautiful week I got to spend with her a few weeks ago! Happy birthday, Dizzle :)

Big Sky Country... The Treasure State... Whatever you want to call it, people who live in Montana tend to LOVE Montana.

And I can see why!!

Matching big black blob sweats! Our favorite!

About a week and a half after I returned to the States, I was blessed to be able to accompany Caty to Bozeman, Montana for a week-long stay with our sweet friend, Randi Stephens!

Right before they thought I died rock climping... WHOOPS!

 Randi and I played volleyball together for 3 years at Whitworth and she has been such a blessing in my life. Randi is one of the most sincere, laid-back, genuinely joy-filled people that I know. Sometimes it takes a little bit to dig past her outer shell, but once you get her laughing with her mom, cheering me on when I'm driving a stick-shift, or reminiscing over volleyball memories with me, you can see it come out plain and clear.

Getting this time in Bozeman was such a blessing. I have been trying to get out there for two summers now, and it just hasn't worked out... Either I was working, Randi was helping her sister move into her dorm, I didn't have a car, or something else came up... But finally, God provided the perfect opportunity to get a week of good, quality Randi time... And it came at the perfect time!

The week started off with a 12-hour drive from Seattle to Bozeman with me, Caty, Randi, and Randi's mom Susan. Thankfully, with the right company 12 hours can seem pretty short! We were greeted with this beautiful rainbow at our last pit stop in Butte on our way.

A Sunday morning church service, breakfast at different downtown restaurants, visits to friends, coffee dates and walks in the park, Farmers Market visits, hikes, rock climbing adventures, a trip to  Yellowstone (with moose, deer, bear, antelope, and bison sightings!), seeing the classroom where Randi teaches, games of Who-What-Where, cribbage matches, embarrassingly bad games of Holy Board, attempts at teaching me to drive a stick-shift, evenings watching the Bachelorette and Big Bang Theory... The whole week was a beautiful, laid-back Montana experience. Randi, I hope you have had a beautiful Austrian birthday and are being celebrated so well with you family.

Happy birthday, Dizz!

23

Today, I celebrate twenty-three years of life on this beautiful, crazy, tragic, painful Earth.

One year ago, I officially posted for the first time about my choice to spend my 22nd year in Ghana, West Africa.
One year ago, I was TERRIFIED... and so excited. I knew what I was supposed to do, but I didn't really know why.
One year later, my heart aches to return. But now, I am realizing that my life is an act of obedience. As I was obedient to the Lord in going to Ghana 10 months ago, I am also striving to be joyfully obedient in my return to Washington.

When I was 22...
...I traveled the world.
...I spent my first year as a post-graduate.
...I taught in the back corner of a small classroom.
...I loved on 35 CORM kids relentlessly.
...people around the world loved on me relentlessly.
...Jesus showed Himself to me in new and beautiful ways.
...I grew. I cried. I loved. I lost. I gained. I sang. I danced. I ran. I cheered. I taught. I suffered. I grieved. I challenged. I was challenged. I conquered. I changed.

I'd call that a successful year.

Today, I spent the day with some of my sweetest friends, cheering for the Mariners, getting a sunburn, and strolling around downtown Ballard in search of delicious food. I look forward to my move to Kennewick in two weeks. I celebrate the work Jesus has done and is continuing to do in my life. Today, I celebrate life.

Cheers to 23, the new adventures it has to bring, and a little more Jesus in my life every day.

Go and tell!

"The man from whom the demons had gone out begged to go with him, but Jesus sent him away, saying, 'Return home and tell how much God has done for you.' So the man went away and told all over town how much Jesus had done for him." (Luke 8:38, 39 NIV)

Yes Lord. I will.

Heartache

This morning, I cried at the image of two of our beautiful City of Refuge girls serving their community in an outreach. Their faces, so clear and familiar, are more than I can bear right now.

My heart aches to hug them... To love on them... To serve them as I did for nine months.

I found this quote on the 147 Million Orphans blog (yes, that's a real number. 147 million too many...) just a few minutes ago, and it hit home so closely. Words of deep, inexplicable pain over leaving "the least of these" who have brought out the most of you...

"And all that gets you through those minutes is thinking about the next time you will be here……and the love that you have for this place and the children that inhabit it…….because were it not for the immense amount of love for them, you would never willingly subject yourself to this much pain and heartache…."

This leaves me speechless... The words I've been searching for, but haven't been able to come up with...

I know the heartache will go away to an extent. I know this will get easier. But my heart is in that place, with all 41 kids that are there... Oh Lord, tend to that peace of my heart... I ache so badly to return to it.

Transition

As of this moment, I've been back in the United States for 11 days, 7 hours, and about 45 minutes. When I landed in Denver, Colorado, I was greeted by a dear friend in the airport with a smile and a hug... But I was immediately put into sensory overload. This many days later, I am still pushing through that. As I walked to put a letter in the mail the other day, I got overwhelmed just walking down my street... The smells of freshly cut grass and flowers were foreign to me, the sounds of elementary students playing down the block brought back floods of nostalgia from the children I left behind, and the sunlight felt too bright for my eyes to contain.

I've been asked a million times "How are you adjusting to being back? Are you happy to be back in the world of ___________ (you name it... internet, texting, food, America)?" How do I even begin to convey how hard it was to leave, and the lack of excitement that I have felt the whole time about being back in the States? Really, I'm adjusting outwardly fine, but inwardly is pretty rocky!

Honestly, my favorite question I've been asked was Aaron McMurray's "Tell us the WORST thing that happened in Ghana... Something where you said 'Why am I even here?'" In that, I can tell of God's redemption... The way He moved even in the darkness... But in trying to explain my transition? I get through the sentence "Well, it feels really different, and it was really hard to say goodbye, but it was such a fun week of celebrating Tricia and Jesse" before I lose about 50% of the ears. And I don't expect anything else... I'm just not sure where to fit back in. When my sweet housemate Jill asks "Tell me EVERYTHING about the culture... The people, the food, everything!," I could tell she really meant it... No one would talk about slave castles for half an hour at a wedding if they didn't truly have ears that wanted to hear! I am thankful for these little moments where I can just share my reality...

I feel like I am stalking life in Ghana... Looking through Christa and Meaghan's pictures, clinging to words from Autumn, thinking about that place all the time, praying for different kids... Today, sweet little Florence celebrated her birthday... What I would have given to be there and watch her dance around as she tried to escape the water that was inevitably being poured on her. June brought birthdays for Evelyn, Mary, Sammy, Abigail, DK, Florence, Hannah, John, Alex, and Grace... Days where their FREEDOM is being celebrated, as their "birthdays" were marked as the day they came to City of Refuge, since very few of the children actually know the day they were born. I would have loved to be there to celebrate each and every one of those precious children... But that's not where the Lord has called me for this season, and I'm still working on coming to terms with that.

Each day this week, I have woken up feeling exhausted... But as my mom pointed out, I have been going and going since the second I stepped off the plane. My devotional book started with this thought this morning...

"I speak to you continually. My nature is to communicate, though not always in words. I fling glorious sunsets across the sky, day after day. I speak in the faces and voices of loved ones. I caress you with a gentle breeze the refreshes and delights you. I speak softly in the depths of your spirit, where I have taken up residence." Jesus Calling, Sarah Young

When I was in Ghana, this felt easier to take the time to see. Here, I get so caught up with the flood of people to see and conversations to be had that I don't stop as often to marvel in the intricacies. I hope that this will change once I get my feet on the ground... But my feet won't be on the ground until the middle of August! How do I slow down my heart and my spirit, when my life is rushing around me?

This week, my family took a ~24 hour trip to go spend some time with my grandparents, as my grandfather's health has been declining rapidly in the last few months. I was so excited to have a room to our hotel to myself, able to curl up with a book and maybe some TV and just relax... But I couldn't even manage to do it there! My obsession with Facebook, instagram, constantly looking up something... It's consuming when I let it be! Even in the midst of writing this blog I find myself constantly "just checking." It's ridiculous! I finally realized I needed to just keep my phone in the car when I was in their house so that I wasn't checking things in the middle of conversation. I just went without all of this for 9 months... Am I really not strong enough to maintain that?

So as I prepare to head to Montana for a week to spend time with Caty and Randi (for which I am so excited!), my prayer is for time to really dig in and process... But also to not have unrealistic expectations of myself. Yes, I'm going to indulge in the internet a little. Yes, I'm going to eat a little too much. Yes, I'm going to want to hear what's going on in Ghana. No, I'm not going to be perfect.

But I'm going to try to listen for the small voice... See His presence in the flowers and the mountains... Feel His peace in both the rain and the sunshine... Ease those depths of my spirit where He abides...

Things I Forgot About

Things I forgot about in 5 months of being away from the States...

1. It can get dark later than 6:30pm.

2. Drinking water from a glass. And free water at restaurants.

3. Being cold. Ever.

4. Caring about what I look like... Whoops. Nothing like an afternoon in downtown Boulder after traveling for 24+ hours to give you a nice reminder that you look like a mess. Oh wait... I am a mess!

5. What it's like to walk down the street and not be stared at.

6. How much I HATE my phone. I miss my simple little Ghana phone with the butt-bumping Panda game!

7. White children.

8. Parks. Green grass? Play areas? What's that?

And this is only after 6 hours of being here...

Ouch.

As I write this, I am watching "The Dark Knight" on my way from Frankfurt, Germany to Denver, Colorado (USA). It's still unreal to me that when I land, I will be on American soil for the first time in five months. I have drank hot chocolate with Anna in Germany, slept for a few hours on my fist flight, and cheated the Internet system to get a few hours free... And I have cried, cried, and cried some more.




The view out my window as we started our descent into Germany!



These last 24 hours have been some of the hardest moments of my life. I woke up Saturday morning with a pit in my stomach... "Today's the day," I told myself. The day I have to leave 38 little souls whom I love to pieces, the day I leave the volunteers and missionaries who have given their hearts to City of Refuge for different amounts of time, the day I leave my sweet friends Autumn and Emily, the day I leave my home...

Oh, shoot. I thought my tears were finished for the time being.
(Side note: Flight attendants look at you strangely when they ask you a question and you look at them with tears on your cheek. Try and avoid this situation if possible. Good luck.)

For the last 9 months, I have teased Autumn about her constant Instagram-ing. During church services, sitting at dinner, or walking home from school, it's not unlikely for her to stop and snap a picture of something beautiful, funny, or precious... Never have I been so thankful for this as in the last day. I saw these kids 22 hours ago and I already miss them so, so much...

Many of the kids that I worked with were orphaned. Some of them were sold into human trafficking. Some of them were abandoned at a young age, left with a elderly family member, or with no family members at all. All of them have felt pain... So much pain. And yesterday, in a few of their hearts, I felt like I was bringing all this pain back to them as I kissed their heads for the last time (for now... I know I will be back). I don't want them to feel abandoned... If only they could understand how deeply they are loved by me, but most importantly, loved by Jesus. I know that they are stronger than I can even imagine and that they are going to be just fine... But seeing Florence's eyes, dead and full of pain, so confused about why she keeps being left behind... It brings me to tears just picturing it. In those moments, I can only pray for the comfort of Jesus... Nothing else will suffice. And I pray the same for myself... I know I was called to Ghana for a specific season, but right now I am having a hard time reconciling the ending of this part of my life.

This week, I get to celebrate the wedding of my wonderful friends Tricia and Jesse. This week, I get to live with my beautiful Devin and share the excitement of her engagement that I haven't been around for. This week, I get to reconnect with people who I haven't seen in five months, and some even longer... I am excited to see these people and see the work the Lord is doing in their life. A week from tomorrow, I get to see my future school and get a small, quick glimpse of the life I will be living in Kennewick. This summer, I get to share the joys of what God is doing in my heart with people all around the country,and for that I am thrilled...

But this week, I also continue the process of figuring out what to do with the pain, hurt, and poverty I have lived along side for the last 9 months. This week, I will eagerly stalk Autumn's Instagram and cling to every small piece of life at City of Refuge I can get my hands and eyes on. This week, I'm pretty sure I will continue to cry and cry, missing so much...

This week, I will still walk alongside the same Jesus that walked with me in Ghana day in and day out. And if I keep my eyes fixed there, I have to trust that no matter how much pain is there or how many tears I shed, my soul can rejoice in the work He is doing in this world, and the work He has done in me.

Preparing for a New Chapter

I leave Ghana in less than 4 days.
My heart is not ready... I don't think it ever would be, no matter when I was leaving.

Not ready to leave Gamali hugs... Florence tackles... DK jokes... Mary hugs (and squirms at kisses)... Malvin kissing my feet when they're clean... Autumn laughter, songs, and silliness... Emily love, energy, and growth... Bible study heart challenges... muddy roads... art markets... trips to Accra... Sunday church gatherings... Bismark finally able to spell his last name... Rosemary sassiness... Paul sarcasm (with lots of hidden love in it)... Not ready to leave Ghana.

My prayer for this week is feeling... I don't want to be numb... I want to revel in the pain and cry at the heartache. I want to leave this place knowing that it loved me well, and I did my best to love it well in return... But it hurts deep.

God, this life is not my own... I give it to you out of thanks for your grace... I pray that you will meet me in these depths, not to pull me out, but to walk alongside me, feeling every last bit of the way...

Cape Coast Slave Castle

This weekend, I had the opportunity to travel to Cape Coast, an area of Ghana where I have been wanting to go since my arrival in September. While the trip overall was a great weekend getaway, I was most impacted by our trip to the Cape Coast Slave Castle and the reality of the atrocities that happened there during the Trans-Atlantic Slave Trade. It was a painful, but incredible opportunity to visit this place…

The view from the Governor's bedroom...

I don’t know how exactly to put this experience into words... The Cape Coast castle served as a place where captured Africans were brought, sold for a price depending on their strength and health, and then kept for 2 weeks-3 months before they were put on a boat and shipped off to Europe or the United States to, again, be sold as a slave. We walked through the dungeons where they were held, standing on a floor comprised of their urine, feces, vomit, etc. that has hardened over time. We saw the room where anyone who tried to escape was put, which had no ventilation and where they received no water and no food… they literally starved and suffocated to death, their punishment for attempted rebellion. We saw the room where any woman who wouldn’t let the soldiers use her to “satisfy their need for sex,” as our tour guide put it, was put for punishment, receiving only a small daily amount of food and water through a slit in the wall. We saw the Governor’s room, which had a beautiful ocean front view with a huge living space and a separate bedroom. We saw the site of the first Anglican Church in the country, built directly on top on the dungeons… They would sing and preach ON TOP of the prisoners that they had deemed as dirt and sold as property. “Ironically, Heaven up there, Hell down here.” We walked through the door where the captives were loaded onto ships and sent off, the Door of No Return…

We saw just a small, small piece of the hell that these people went through… and it was painful! Painful to think of the horror that these innocent African men, women, and children went through… Painful to think of the Governor sitting on his high horse with his ocean view and his personal secretary… Painful to think that human trafficking is still happening all over this world, and it happened to the kids I live with! It’s one of those things that you learn about in history class time and time again, but to actually get a little glimpse of reality… It hurts.

And I’m not sure what to do with that.

God is Really Cool

After being in Ghana for 8 months, I sit staring at the last 11 days on my calendar before I leave. I have been trying to process through emotions, but there are SO MANY and they are constantly changing that I haven’t even figured out how to process well.

Since a week and a half ago, there have been multiple days that I’ve woken up feeling sick to my stomach at the thought of going to school, simply because I know it is ending so soon. I have cried in front of kids multiple times… Sometimes, you just can’t keep it inside! Sitting in Autumn’s office this morning, I talked her through a million things going through my head. To sum up my mind…

Me: It’s not like I’m on a roller coaster, just…

Autumn: Just a perpetual flood?

Yes, exactly…

At this point, I don’t have a lot of “things” I want to accomplish. I want to cry with the kids… I want to pray for the school… I want to spend time with Autumn and Emily… I want to laugh… I want to love hard… and I get to do each of those every day (ok, I’m not crying with kids every day… But it has happened a couple time in the last few weeks!). I simply want to be present in this place for as long as I can. Returning from Cape Coast, I was reminded that life will most certainly go on when I leave… There will be some stings, and the evening of “See you later” will be extremely painful, but for everything, there is a season…

Last Wednesday, I struggled through some feelings of inadequacy in thinking about my time here, just feeling as though I hadn’t done as much for the kids I wanted or seen as much change in some of them as I hoped… But God really had to show me that I am dealing with living, breathing sons and daughters of Him, and He’s the one who is going to be present here forever and ever, even when I leave. It took words of encouragement and tears from someone else to really make me able to believe that my time here mattered… To really be able to believe God’s truth above the enemy’s lies. Above all else, I know that my time and purpose here was planned by God, even when I have a hard time figuring out what my “purpose” was. I have really been leaning on Isaiah 49 this week, which I read on the afternoon of my struggles…

“He said to me, ‘You are my servant, Israel, in whom I will display my splendor.’

But I said, ‘I have labored in vain; I have spent my strength for nothing at all. Yet what is due to me is in the Lord’s hand, and my reward is with my God.’

And now the Lord says… ‘It is too small for you to be my servant to restore the tribes of Jacob and bring back those of Israel I have kept. I will also make you a light for the Gentiles, that my salvation may reach to the ends of the earth.’” (v. 3-4, 6)

Just when I felt as though my labor was nothing, He told me “Not only are you not nothing, but you are even greater than you can imagine…Even the title of “servant” I have given you is too small…”

That afternoon, I sat outside the library and wept during our staff meeting, simply overwhelmed at the fact that He wouldn’t even give me an afternoon of wallowing before He spoke up on my behalf… I soon had a group of 1^st graders gathered around me, and all I could tell them in response to “Auntie Kathy, why are you crying?!” was “God is just really cool…”

He’s more than cool… He’s faithful. He’s redeeming. He’s caring. He’s a fighter. He’s sovereign. He’s King of Kings, Lord of Lords… He is the one with the bigger picture in mind that I am so desperately trying to see, handing over my human eyes that look to next Saturday and instead taking up His eyes, which see my life and its purpose in His kingdom...

As I am typing this, the rain has started falling… My favorite thing in Ghana. I’m sure that means the power will go out soon, which is really too bad since it’s time to go to bed and it’s challenging to sleep without the fan… But God, I thank you for the time of peace that the rain brings to my heart. I thank you for the ways that you show yourself in simple beauties. And Lord, I thank you for the way you love us, are enthralled by us, pursue us… You are really cool.

Always an Adventure

Sometimes, it’s easy to forget the bigness of the fact that I live in AFRICA! I get caught up in day to day activity, things like cold showers and lots of rice start to feel like the norm, and even the heat feels a little manageable…

But then days like yesterday and today happen.

Yesterday, I ventured into Accra to meet up with Jenn Whitmill, my sweet friend Devin’s big sis! It was such a blessing to get to see her, but my whole travel experience was a bit of a disaster… I was able to look up her location on a map, but the bus that I thought would take me right across the street (which I think it actually stopped there, I just didn’t get off!) ended up taking me 3ish miles away… But it took me half an hour to realize that. I wandered around downtown Accra totally confused about where I was, and totally in the wrong place. On my way back to City of Refuge, our trotro broke down and tons of people started screaming at the driver in Twi… All I understood was “me pacho,” which means “Please, I beg you!” It was a little crazy.

After I finally got back to City of Refuge, I found out that we had no water… For some reason, it had been turned off by the water company. We hoped that it would just be some kind of overnight maintenance at the dam where the water comes from, but 20 hours later there is still no water to be found. We are trying to use the water from the underground “manhole,” as the kids keep calling it, to take baths tonight, but the water coming out currently smells like eggs. Solid.

From 7:45-11:45 or so this morning, we didn’t have electricity at the school. We also were missing a teacher, which meant I spent the day subbing. We also don’t have any ink in our printer, and the place that stocks it has been out for a month, so we don’t have any copies.

Needless to say… Today was a day where I was reminded of the adventure of living in Africa.

And I wouldn’t trade it for the world.

Sure, it feels like all I can think about is taking a shower because I am FILTHY. But I’m alive, there is still (somehow) rice on the table, and our electricity at the house is on. God is capturing me with His words in Isaiah. I have 38 little souls running around this place who are simply awesome. I have some wonderful co-laborers who fill me with their words and laughter. I have words from close friends and videos of 4 year olds driving little racecars that came in e-mails today. I have 19 days left… and if it’s 19 days left like this one, then I will be really smelly, really exhausted, really thankful for this time, and really sad to leave this beautiful place.

Hiking

All break, Mary has been persistently asking “Auntie Kathy, when can we go hiking?” After wimping out time and time again, I finally became set on taking the kids before school started again on Tuesday. Saturday morning, after the kids finished washing their clothes, we set off on a hiking adventure.

Me and Mary :)

We live right across the street from an area of Ghana called Shai Hills, an area known around the country for its plethora of quarries. Daily we hear the blasting of rock that we like to pretend is gunfire… “Didn’t you know? Ghana’s actually in the middle of a war right now!” These hills are more like mini-mountains (or REALLY big hills) and it’s a treat to take a few hours away from City of Refuge and head over for a hike.

Emily, Grace, Theresa, and I!

Grace, Theresa, and Evelyn

It ended up being the perfect day… We are transitioning into rainy season, so the morning was overcast and “cool” (probably 75 degrees). Quickly (as in before we even left our property), I was reminded that I was hiking with teenage African boys who can literally run up mountains! It was crazy to watch some of them move… They looked like gazelles bounding up the hills, even without a beaten path to walk on. We had to hold some pretty loose reins; otherwise we would have tortured the poor boys… But no one got hurt (Grace and I were the only ones to come away with any blood, as far as I know), no animals were sighted, and everyone made it back to CORM in one piece… Overall, a successful trip by my standards! My “low” for the day was definitely the blisters that I accumulated on the back of my heels… I walked back to CORM in just my socks, as that was less painful than wearing my tennis shoes! When in Africa, do as the Africans do…

OW!

About 5 minutes away from the house, it started to POUR. We had felt a few raindrops which caused us to start heading back, but as it usually is in Ghana, this rain went from 0 to 100 in just a few seconds. By the time we returned, all of us were quite wet and quite cold! The kids were asking “If it’s this cold, could it snow today?” For some reason, I don’t foresee that happening…

I am thankful for this time to spend some time with our kids, no strings attached… Just the company of those who feel like hanging out with you, which turned out to be Mary and Evelyn for the most part. Continuing to get little glimpses of their lives, like watching them all pick the leaves of a plant, crush it in their hands, mix it with water, and show me that it turns their hands red… These are little moments that I will treasure.

Spaghetti Brain

If this doesn’t make sense to anyone besides me, blame the spaghetti brain.

Today marks the one-month mark of my time left here in Ghana. I am finding myself thinking about going home more and more, especially since we have been on break for 3 weeks and I have been left with quite a lot of free time. The afternoons are HOT and the kids are loud, leading me to spend some quiet afternoons locked up in my room with a book or an unbeatable game of Mahjong (Emily spent a lot of time laughing at me yesterday as I was tried for game after game to win… all to no avail). Today, I am spending the morning fixing my flash drive so that I can load pictures on it to take back, as this computer is staying here (thanks, Dad, for being willing to leave it here!). Right now, it’s hard for me to work up the energy to go and play on the playground with the kids… Again…

We often tease John about his “waffle brain,” thinking in a very compartmentalized way and focusing on only one thing at a time, as compared to our silly and nonsensical girl spaghetti brains that produce a great deal of laughter as our “brain doesn’t connect to our language,” as Autumn would say. Right now, I feel like my brain is a big huge plate of delicious spaghetti, packed full of joy and love and excitement that is happening around me, right now… But the only thing I can stare at is the big honkin’ meatball on top… My plane ride back to the States. My long layover in Frankfurt. Entering into Denver. Getting to the airport in Spokane at 11:30pm. Jumping into a week of wedding festivities for Tricia and Jesse. Going “home.” This meatball looks really good…

But I’m not sure I like meatballs! I’ve never been sure I liked meatballs, actually. And when meatballs including leaving City of Refuge and my family here, I’m really not so sure that I like them. I know I like spaghetti, and spaghetti is around me right now… My life at CORM is the spaghetti… Let’s feast!

But meatballs mean eating Olive Garden… Talking walks with friends… Living with Kendra… Teaching kids with autism, my ultimate passion in life… Hugs from my closest friends… Adventures in the Tri-Cities… Drinking lattes (Alyssa, I can’t wait to do this with you!)…

What about Uno with the kids in the summer hut? Games in the sand with rubber bands? Making Joel flip in circles? Morning greetings from Gamali, Benard, Aaron, and Bismark? Laughing so hard with Emily and Autumn that Em squirts hot chocolate out her nose? Hugs from kids at school?

I want to be present while I am here. I want to bask in those moments.

But that meatball just looks so dang good…

When I first came back to Ghana in January, I struggled a lot for about a month. I wanted to be places I wasn’t, I wanted to be celebrating occasions with people instead of from afar, I wanted to live in community… In a different community than the one I am in. This week, a dear friend was sharing about some of her homesickness struggles and said “Home sometimes always seems somewhere where we are not!” When I put stars on a map for all the places that my close friends are occupying in this world, my heart is spread out over cities… Over states… Over continents… All of which hold a little piece of “home” in the hearts of my friends. If home is where the heart is, then my home is all over the world… And that’s pretty special, if I’m willing to come to terms with the fact that I’m always both at “home” and missing “home.” Easier said than done.

I really want to eat my spaghetti. I really want to focus on what’s here, right now, in the day that the Lord has made… The people that I am around right now… But I’m afraid once the spaghetti is finished, I am just going to be wanting to go back for seconds… And thirds… And that feels painful, when I know that for now, the pot is empty. God planned it that way… But that doesn’t change the fact that for now, spaghetti time is finished.

And that meatball just looks so dang good… “Maybe I’ll just stop there,” I find myself saying.

No. That’s not the kind of life I want to live.

Lord, help me to look past the meatball. Help me to feast on my plate of spaghetti, even though at some point, the plate has to end… Help me to see that you always make more spaghetti, and at some point, there may even be garlic bread to go along with it. Help me to treasure this new home you have made for me in Ghana, and the home you are preparing for me in Kennewick next year… Help me to see that you are our portion… You are our daily bread… You are the spaghetti and the meatball. Let’s feast!

When Patience plays hide-and-seek… and wins.

As of now, we are officially on a three-week break from school… However, this time certainly didn’t come easy! Since March, things at school have been… well, pretty chaotic. We lost two teachers the first week of March, one unannounced, and unfortunately we have only found one replacement. This situation left Autumn filling in the role of 5/6/7^th grade English/Language Arts & Creative Arts teacher, with me hopping in during her observations, meetings, etc… For the last two weeks of the term, I was in the job full-time as Autumn had piles of paperwork to complete and close to 100 visitors pass through during that time. I am thankful that we have the ability to be flexible in situations like this, and that Autumn is willing to both be patient and to ask for help when she knows she needs it.

However, these two weeks were not a walk in the park… While I usually consider myself to be a patient person, there are times when this patience gets worn thing… Goes for a game of hide-and-seek, if you please. Usually, I win the game… But sometimes, Patience finds a really good hiding spot. This time around, it took me two weeks to find it… I could spot it from time to time, but it quickly ran and hid in a new spot whenever I caught a glance. That’s not the kind of person I want to be with these kids… That’s not what they deserve. But there’s only so many times I can say “If you sit in your seat and raise your hand quietly, then I can help you.”

Last night at Bible study, we were reading 2 Peter 1:5-8 and while I love what this passage has to say, it was also very convicting… “For this very reason, make every effort to supplement your faith with virtue, and virtue with knowledge, and knowledge with self-control, and self-control with steadfastness, and steadfastness with brotherly affection, and brotherly affection with love. For if these very qualities are yours and are increasing, they keep you from being ineffective or unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.”

This isn’t just a one-time thing… We don’t just have self-control and call it good, and we don’t show knowledge once and then stop growing in it… These characteristics are supposed to be increasing in us all the time, regardless of the circumstances around us! And the last part, verse 8… These are what keeps us from being ineffective or unfruitful. I felt that those two weeks… I was not as effective or fruitful as I should be because I wasn’t willing to be diligent in supplementing my faith with my actions! I was short with kids, I yelled, I guilt-tripped, I took away privileges, I had heart-to-hearts with kids who wouldn’t listen… I was human. But we are called to be more than human… We are called to live in the image of Christ, the one who did no wrong and committed no sin. But the greatest part is that I am forgiven for that… Those sins are all laid down on the cross and finished… “It is finished,” as we chanted over and over again during my day subbing in 4^th grade on the Thursday before Easter.

I am grateful that even when I lose game after game of hide-and-seek with different virtues, Jesus always comes back and says “It’s ok… I love you.” I’m learning that it’s not the fact that it takes me a long time to “win”, but the fact that I kept playing the game that matters… What a beautiful thing to come to terms with.

He Sets My Steps

“We can make our own plans, but the Lord gives us the right answer.” Proverbs 16:1

In my opinion, some of the most beautiful times in life are the times when our plans and the Lord’s plans for us line up perfectly. It’s these times when one is reminded that He knows the greatest desires of our hearts… Often times, He created these desires within us! My last two weeks have been a tribute to God’s sovereign ways and His everlasting care for us.

About 4 weeks ago, I received an e-mail asking to do a phone interview with the Kennewick School District. My first answered prayer was that they were willing to do a phone interview—Skype doesn’t work on our campus and an in-person interview clearly wasn’t an option, so their willingness to do it over phone was a huge blessing. This was the first response I had heard from any districts I had applied in, and the fact that it was in the Tri-Cities (an area in southeast Washington) immediately caught some heartstrings. This is an area that has been on my “radar” since last summer when I was looking at job openings, yet preparing to leave for Ghana for the year instead. There were jobs opening up in Pasco, Richland, and Kennewick that I would have applied for in a heartbeat, had I not been spending the year abroad. Each time I saw these jobs pop up, a little piece of my heart questioned my decision to leave (a decision which I have not questioned once since I set foot on the red dirt of Africa). Ever since then, I’ve had a not-so-secret pull to this area, so I will admit that my job search sometimes ended up a little biased. Receiving even just an interview from Kennewick was a big deal for me! However, I didn’t really understand what job I had applied for… I know that sounds silly, but the job posting was confusing and I just applied because it was labeled “Special Services Teacher.” My mindset was pretty much “Well, it doesn’t say it’s just a resource room, so I might as well apply!” Going into the interview, I was nervous that a few minutes in, I would discover that I was interviewing for a job I didn’t even want and I would just feel silly!

Thankfully, God goes before us and He knew what I was getting myself into! My interviewers (the district Special Education directors) told me right off the bat that this was a general interview for their special education jobs, and if there was a specific job that came up, I was interested in, and they thought would be a good fit for me, then they would go to the specific building principals and advocate for me. At this point, I was feeling so many emotions… So THANKFUL for that assurance, relieved that I wasn’t interviewing for a job I would hate, nervous about the fact that this could eventually turn into something real, still terrified about the pending interview… All kids of fun things wrapped into one voice on the phone. Regardless, I spent about half an hour chatting with my interviewers and calmed down a little with each passing question. At the end of the interview, the district director asked what my dream job would be…

Me: “An elementary autism classroom, for sure. I want to work with kids with more severe disabilities, and I know that a specific autism classroom is much more rare, but I particularly feel called toward those with moderate-severe autism.”

Director: “Well, that’s an interesting answer in light of my next question… We have an elementary autism position opening in one of our schools next week, is that something you would be interested in applying for?”

I probably didn’t make much sense in anything I said after this point in the interview because I could barely concentrate. Really, God? Are you serious? You’re really putting this right in front of me? They were able to tell me a little about the classroom, the location and culture of the school, the district in general… Everything sounded perfect… Too good to be true, even.

“Well, I just looked it up and the job officially opens next Wednesday.” (I have to wait 5 days to just apply?! I have no patience for these things!!) “Your job now is to fix up your cover letter, look for the opening once it’s up and put in your application as soon as possible. Between now and then, we will be having a very energetic conversation with the principal about you. We think you would be a great fit for this position.” (Did he really just say that? Is this actually happening? There’s no way…)

So I waited the 5 treacherous days and put in my application as soon as I was able to on the day the job was posted. At this point, I realized the job was open for a week, which just led to an even longer waiting game… For those who know me, waiting for things like this feel like torture… So I spent a week praying “God, I surrender this to you! I put this whole process at your feet! You know the plans You have for me, and they are way better than anything I could create for myself…” I had myself convinced that the job was going to go to someone within the district.. So I continued with “Lord, have your way!!”

At this point, I was still preparing for two Skype interviews that were planned with other districts for this week. I was pretty nervous about the fact that they were on Skype, and my best answer for getting Skype to work was to do it at the Accra mall, since I could get good wireless on my iPad. Yesterday Emily and I ventured into Accra in an attempt for me to Skype with Anna to test it out, as well as to see if I had heard any news from Kennewick since the job had closed the previous night. Of course, in the funny ways that God works, the internet was down at the mall so I couldn’t Skype with Anna and I didn’t know what I was going to do about the interviews the next day… Right at the height of my frustration, as I was was waiting for Emily to get back to our table so I could go get something chocolatey to make myself feel better, she came back with our friend Richard next to her! Richard works for an organization called Feeding the Orphans, which provides school lunches at Faith Roots and is also the organization that our friends the Beebe’s are here serving as the “hands-on” forces. Turns out that Richard and the Beebe’s had been out working this morning and now they were all heading back to the Beebe’s, which was our destination later that evening… We walked out with Richard just to say hello, and Robin and Reid quickly invited us to head back to their house and connect to the internet there. Since our plan at the mall seemed to be a lost cause, we had an easy decision in front of us... Considering their family is leaving for the States next Wednesday and will not return until after I have left, I wanted to soak up any bit of Beebe time I could get! Reid and Katie (our sweet friend Katie Batchelor who got here the same time I did in September, stayed for two months, and then came back in March for another month here in country) assured me that I could use Skype at their house if I needed to, so I felt a little more assured that something would work out for the next day.

I had been counting the hours in the States, trying to figure out the first point that I might hear back from anyone in Kennewick… I was sure it wasn’t likely to hear from them right away, but I thought that just maybe they would get back to me in the morning. After getting online at the Beebe’s, I discovered an e-mail from the school principal that had been sent the day before… “Our job closes tonight and I want to fill it as soon as possible. Is there a time when we can talk on the phone tomorrow? I will be in a meeting all day but I can easily step outside and chat with you.” At this point, it was 9:00am in the States on the day when she wanted to talk… Cue freak-out mode! I had no phone credit, so I went into a little bit of a craze in the Beebe’s living room… Leading to precious Godwin asking me “Why are you so excited? I can see you’re really excited about something. Sometimes I get excited, but then I go back to regular.” I love the way 5 year olds process their emotions!! Godwin and I walked up to the nearest store to get phone credit, and I realized that the phone number on her e-mail was her office phone, which wouldn’t be helpful if she was in a meeting. After some quick e-mailing, God-ordained responses, and a few hours of phone tag spanning over the time of Bible study, I was finally able to get a hold of her… And I got the job! No Skype interviews necessary, the kind of classroom I have dreamed of, the city I have hoped of for a year, in a building that people have said nothing about great things about… God seriously never ceases to amaze me! Still, a week and a half later, it doesn’t feel real… But God’s hand has been so clearly present in all aspects of this process, and I am so blessed.

“That’s so cool that you got a job from Africa!” –My mom… It’s true. As much as I hoped it would happen, I certainly didn’t expect it to happen… I am a first-year teacher applying from halfway around the world without a good internet connection… That alone screams “Yeah right!!” But God had told me that my plans were secure, and all I could do was trust in that. I am so excited to be moving to Kennewick this summer and starting another phase of my life… While at the same time, I know that moving to Kennewick involves leaving Ghana, and that is the most bittersweet thing that could happen. My heart is going to break into forty-one pieces on the day when I hug these kids “See you soon,” and I know that driving away is going to be the most painful experience of my life… Add a few extra broken pieces for the amazing adults that I have been blessed with here as well, and I will be a huge mess. A beautiful, broken, redeemed mess… But a mess, none the less!

At this point, I have a little under five weeks left in Ghana. I’m sure I will come back, but I don’t know when it will be… And no matter when it may be, this place will sure look different! My prayer for these next six weeks is that I may be present in this place, soaking in the time with these kids and loving life here, even the sweltering heat that beats on our backs and the power that can’t decide if it wants to stay on or not. I am so grateful for the lessons I am continuing to learn here, and I pray that they continue to come…

“’For I know the plans I have for you,’ says the Lord. ‘They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.’”

I am thankful that for this season of my life, He planted seeds in my heart that coincided with His plans for me!!

God’s Hand in Chorkor

This has taken me 3+ weeks to write… Part of it has been forgetting, and part has been struggling to find the words to capture the beauty of this day. I figure that at some point, I have to get around to pressing “Publish”… So here goes nothing.

For the past two months, I have been bugging Robin Beebe about letting Caty and I accompany her and her family to Chorkor for their April visit. We were grateful that we were able to work out a time when all of us could go, yet we didn’t even know what would be in store for us this day.

Once we had picked up everyone we needed for the day (and Godwin had fallen asleep on Caty’s lap), Robin started talking about the different jobs that needed to happen that day. First off, one of the single mothers was being taught how to make bracelets out of beads in order to hopefully provide a living for herself in the near future. She is currently traveling about 3 out of 7 days a week, leaving her kids small amounts of food while she is gone, along with a house that has no mother in it. Feeding the Orphans is trying to teach her a trade that will keep her close to her family, but still be able to sustain herself as she needs.

The next job that had to be delegated was collecting thank you cards from 14 students at a community school who received education sponsorships through Feeding the Orphans. These students were not going to school before, as until recently, there were only (expensive) private schools in the area. It is just recently that they have been able to get access to education, which still would not be possible without the assistance of FTO and their sponsorers.

Finally, there were still more deliveries to be made, so a group of people would make the last round of food stops while the others stayed behind to complete their tasks. As Reid decided that it was important for Caty to get to see a local school, we were assigned to thank you card duty – fine by me! Walking through the village to get there, I was able to get plenty of laughs from the locals by throwing “Etesein!” (How are you?) their way… Always brings about a giggle at my attempt to sound like I know what in the world I am doing!

As we approached the school, I was thankful we had our friend Richard with us… Richard is a FTO employee who has been working in Chorkor for quite a while and has built some strong relationships with the people there (the fact that he is Ghanaian instantly gives him an advantage over any America trying to do the same job!). He knew what kids we needed, where to find them, and who to talk to so that people were’t totally freaked out by the white people in their school! We did get a LOT of attention, but at least they had some idea of who we were!

While thank you cards themselves went pretty well (much better than I expected!), and meeting those kids was so sweet, what I wasn’t quite prepared for was the time we would have after we finished. The kids were on their lunch break, but it kind of seemed as if they were done for the day… There was zero structure, minus the teachers running dance practice for the kids in the middle of the courtyard. Caty and I wandered in and out of classrooms, peering into life at this place… Life which includes classrooms that are small and dark, blank walls, and a chalkboard and chalk as supplies for the day. Children bring their own “exercise books” to school, and all work appears to be done in these small notebooks. After seeing the crazy excess that accumulates in many American classrooms, it’s heartbreaking to walk into these rooms and realize that this is all these are able to provide for.

At the end of the day, I stood in a circle with a few kids trying to get them to sing me songs they knew from church… I only got songs out of a few of them, but their words were beautiful. I just stood there feeling as though my only purpose that day was to say three simple words… “Jesus loves you.” There was a beautiful girl, probably 13 or 14, who just had the eyes of a leader… I can’t even remember her name, but I remember her eyes and I know she is going to be such a force for His kingdom… So I took her hand and told her that. “God has big plans for you,” He told me to say… “Keep going to school and getting an education, you are going to do such great things!” Her smile was priceless… But that was God’s promise to her in that moment. I pray that she continues to seek out her great future… I really believe it’s there waiting for her.

As I start to look toward my return to the States, it’s days like these that I hope I never forget. Days where the brokenness of our world feels pressed into my heart… Days where I am reminded of how much help some people in this world need… Days where God is so clearly working, even in the depths and the pain and the struggle… Days where God so clearly spans this entire world in such an intimate, beautiful way.

The classroom where we wrote their thank you letters...

Spirit of Love and Adventure

We start to climb into the big Sequoia, only to discover that we’re not all going to fit… “Autumn, can you drive the red car?,” John asks in a moment of desperation. Once we all pile inside and make sure the car’s actually going to work, we’re finally off… Late, as usual. Where are we going, you ask? Oh, you know, just to a four hour engagement ceremony…

Last week I had the opportunity to attend the engagement of two of our sweet staff members, Lydia and Nosa. Lydia lives with the Omorefe family and cooks us delicious dinners every night, and Nosa is John’s younger brother who works at the water house we have on-site. These two sweet souls are getting married at the end of the month, and I actually have the honor of being a bridesmaid! This whole wedding experience is certainly a cultural adventure for me.

Ghana wedding tradition is quite different from that of the States. Here, they use the presentation of a dowry to signify the official beginning of the engagement. The man must participate in a “knocking,” where he visits the home of the bride’s family and asks for a list of things to include in the dowry. After a few months of searching and bartering, the groom presents the dowry to the family in a ceremony that includes a lot of picture taking, offerings, fancy clothes, and formal presentations of both gifts and people. For Lydia and Nosa’s, we took a day trip to the mountains that beckon us from our view. The trip was beautiful, a landscape I hadn’t experienced yet in Ghana… The trees were lush, the forests thick, and the sights incredible once Autumn navigated the STEEP climb. I was thankful that Caty was in the country this week and was able to experience these sights with me.

Though the ceremony itself was particularly long and sweaty (and all the balloons started popping because they were too hot), I am thankful to have been able to experience this day. We took three cars of people to go witness the declaration of Nosa’s intent to marry Lydia, and it was so sweet to see them together. A few weeks ago, I went with Lydia to go try on her wedding dress… The usually stoic and reserved Lydia practically skipped out of the house we were at, cheering “That’s my wedding gown!!” I am excited to see where God leads these two together, and thankful that their timing allowed me to be a part of this beautiful progression of events.

How do I say “See you later?”

Today I cried. A lot. And I cried in front of our kids for the first time. As a big group of them clung to Auntie Holly’s every word as we called her for her birthday, I wept… I am scared of being on the other side of this equation, being one of the ones who has left with an indefinite return date. I know that perfect love casts out fear… But there are times when that fear doesn’t quite seem to be cast out.

 I am at the point where I have less than two months here… Boy that feels terrifying. I have shed tears multiple times over the idea of putting Gamali down for the last time… Tonight as I squeezed Florence’s hand, I wished I could be here to teach her to read forever, cultivating her passion for learning that is already so large… Instead, I will sponsor her education financially and leave her in the hands of another teacher who will hopefully love her as much as I do.

Talking to Holly after the kids went to bed didn’t help my case all that much… No more tears, but still some anxiety about what that transition will look like. She kept pointing out “I fell in love with all those kids and I still love them all so much, but I don’t know what to do with that.” What will I do with my overflowing love for some of them as I climb on a plane so soon? How do I deal with the fact that they have captured my heart in a way which is irreplaceable? Can I even fathom the idea of leaving Bismark here and knowing that he probably won’t get the services he needs? What about the regret I feel already for not being able to give Pamela what she needs? I am starting to try and process these thoughts and I don’t like anything that I come up with. I know that I adored my kindergarten students, and that I will have class upon class for years to come, but this feels different… This is different… And I’m not sure what to make of that yet.

What I do know is that no matter how much pain leaving may bring, the simple words of “I love you” from these kids makes anything I go through worth it. There are images and feelings I have from my time spent with these children that will never leave my memory, and there is a love that will never be broken. Thankfully, I know I will meet up with all these children in the future, even if it takes all of us partying it up in Heaven… What a huge, beautiful dance party with Jesus that will be!

Release

I have struggled to figure out what to share about my life over the past two months. I realize that I live in Africa, so hypothetically I should be blogging about my travel adventures… Except there’s the small fact that I don’t have many! I did go to a women’s conference last weekend that earned a blog post of its own, but aside from that, my physical life is pretty confined to the 20 acres of land that City of Refuge sits on, with a few trips to the Accra mall to use their internet thrown in.

Two months ago today I stepped on a plane in Los Angeles, California headed for Chicago, then Frankfurt, and finally landed in Accra about 30 hours later. I left LA a wreck, sad to be leaving the States again after a wonderful weekend with the Villalpando’s and just pure exhausted from a 4:00am wake-up call at my hotel and an 11:00pm bedtime the night before. Once in Chicago, I learned that I didn’t have anything to do during my 7 hour layover in Frankfurt, so I started to cry. Tears of exhaustion, tears of frustration… Which continued in the Frankfurt airport 10 hours later. Faced with 7 hours and 11 euros to my name, this layover didn’t look promising. By the time I got to Accra, all I wanted was to see John and Stacy… Luckily the airport was FAST and they found me outside right away.

Little did I know that the moment of stepping off the plane in Accra (or maybe boarding in LA) started the beginning of a whole new journey, completely different from the first time I came into country. I knew what to expect at City of Refuge, I knew what my job was, I knew who my kids were… But now, I am in a season of figuring out who I am. Figuring out what I really do stand for, what I really do believe in… Figuring out how to be brave with the words that I speak, not just with what my fingers can write. I am in a season of growing pains… and it’s beautiful.

It hasn’t all been beautiful. In fact, my first month back was pretty messy… A lot of pleading to God for answers, a lot of loneliness, a lot of frustration, a lack of communication, and a lot of internal dialogue that said “What are you working for? What are your goals in this life? If you died tomorrow, what would people say about your work in this world?” I didn’t have answers… I was just pretty low. My blog “Sacrifice” speaks to moments of this time… Moments that didn’t have such happy endings for the tine being.

But in these depths, God has met me. In this frustration, God has said “Don’t quit on yourself yet.” Even when I did my best to ignore Him after a completely overwhelming run where I felt like I wanted to melt into the ground and never come out, terrified and afraid of His presence and His power… The one thing that has felt consistent is His pursuit of me. From people asking me to pray at certain times to Emily asking me to help her figure out who is who in the nativity set in the library to prayers lavished on me by Jodie from YWAM in the three days they were here to visit… God has been very clear to say “You can run, but you can’t hide. You can say you don’t want anything to do with me right now, but I am everything to do with you, and you will see that when you are ready.” I have tried to hide… Not to run away, but to hide… and, sweetly, He is showing me that it just doesn’t work.

I think the turning point for me in this season might have been the moment that Jodie and I sat on the ground during worship in our lunch area and she spoke over me. She spoke to things that had been going on in my mind the past week or so, not voiced to anyone… She spoke to fears of mine and situations that I didn’t even quite realize were there… But really it wasn’t her speaking, it was God… and it was so clear in that moment. So clear that her words were from Him, because there was no way she could have known these things otherwise. Tears streamed down my cheeks as she spoke, because I knew that these words were Jesus speaking to me. It was beautiful… It was filling… It was needed.

A few weeks ago, I was on a run out towards Doryumu when I realized that my favorite white bird tree was empty… The tree that is usually echoing with squawks around sunset stood bare except for the one black bird that came and hopped around on it. I was so upset… “Where have all the white birds gone and where are all the stars? Where’s my street-wise Holly Bee to ride the trotro car?” I walked home making up this song and laughing to myself, as a few of the birds proceeded to fly over me during that time. Today as I ran, a grin burst out over my face as I realized the birds were back… The birds that remind be of the simple beauty of this place, the intricacy in the simplicity… They are back. And it feels like a piece of me is back… But I also think there are some pieces of me that are here for the first time. Pieces of contentment, pieces of gratitude, pieces of relationship, pieces of belonging… Some of these are coming around for the first time here and it’s beautiful.

Simple beauty is easy to find here. Tonight, I stood in the shadow of the soccer goal directly under Orion’s Belt and a multitude of other stars as I stared at the thin gold-tinted crescent moon directly in front of me…. This afternoon, I witnessed a glowing orange sun set in the middle of fluffy clouds and a pink tinted sky… The faces of Gamali and Florence looking up at me speak for themselves.

Branches has been going through Ecclesiastes for the Lenten season and I have been lucky enough to be able to download the podcasts when we go into town. After a response from Ryan Miller on Monday that said “Ok, you have to listen to yesterday’s message,” I was able to get it on Tuesday and listen on Wednesday morning… and I am so thankful. In his message, Ryan spoke of this feeling of being alive… this feeling of actually LIVING on earth, not simply managing… As sweet Angie Doe spoke of in Keta last week, “We are not called to simply MANAGE!” We are called to life… We are called to being aware of our surroundings… We are called to live in the NOW and seek fullness in what is around us now, not waiting for what “is to come” in order to find happiness… And that calling feels exciting!

I am finally at a point in my classroom where I am starting to see growth in my students… And I am also at a point in my classroom where I am transitioning out. I am training sweet Nina to come in and take my place, hoping to set her up successfully while I am still here in order to prepare the classroom for when I’m not here anymore. While I am sad to be “leaving” these students, I am excited for what will be in store for them with Nina. There is an accent barrier that makes teaching phonics and spelling very difficult, and I think it will be beneficial to them to have someone teaching them who they can actually hear. In this transition, I feel a little stress… I feel a little sad… But I am excited for what is to come. I am excited to have more time to spend with Bismark, time to work ahead with Alex and Florence, time to spend with Pamela… Time to help fill in whatever random roles Autumn needs me to do in the school for the next three months. Oh Lord, I don’t want to leave… Comments are starting to be made about my departure and I can’t talk about it. I can’t think about it, I can’t come to terms with it… Even writing this feels like too much.

All in all, this season feels like a season of release. Releasing some ties that have been holding me back, releasing some relationships that are toxic to me, releasing my classroom, releasing some of my material ties to this world, and releasing myself to God… Allowing myself to live in the moment, thankful for the time that I have and the situations I find myself in. Sometimes, this feels easier than other times… and it certainly is a slow process. But it’s a process of allowing the Holy Spirit to dwell in me… a process of trying to accept the idea of becoming vulnerable… a process of giving up the control that I love so much… It’s a process of figuring out what it means to truly be alive.