How do I say “See you later?”

Today I cried. A lot. And I cried in front of our kids for the first time. As a big group of them clung to Auntie Holly’s every word as we called her for her birthday, I wept… I am scared of being on the other side of this equation, being one of the ones who has left with an indefinite return date. I know that perfect love casts out fear… But there are times when that fear doesn’t quite seem to be cast out.

 I am at the point where I have less than two months here… Boy that feels terrifying. I have shed tears multiple times over the idea of putting Gamali down for the last time… Tonight as I squeezed Florence’s hand, I wished I could be here to teach her to read forever, cultivating her passion for learning that is already so large… Instead, I will sponsor her education financially and leave her in the hands of another teacher who will hopefully love her as much as I do.

Talking to Holly after the kids went to bed didn’t help my case all that much… No more tears, but still some anxiety about what that transition will look like. She kept pointing out “I fell in love with all those kids and I still love them all so much, but I don’t know what to do with that.” What will I do with my overflowing love for some of them as I climb on a plane so soon? How do I deal with the fact that they have captured my heart in a way which is irreplaceable? Can I even fathom the idea of leaving Bismark here and knowing that he probably won’t get the services he needs? What about the regret I feel already for not being able to give Pamela what she needs? I am starting to try and process these thoughts and I don’t like anything that I come up with. I know that I adored my kindergarten students, and that I will have class upon class for years to come, but this feels different… This is different… And I’m not sure what to make of that yet.

What I do know is that no matter how much pain leaving may bring, the simple words of “I love you” from these kids makes anything I go through worth it. There are images and feelings I have from my time spent with these children that will never leave my memory, and there is a love that will never be broken. Thankfully, I know I will meet up with all these children in the future, even if it takes all of us partying it up in Heaven… What a huge, beautiful dance party with Jesus that will be!