Today, I celebrate twenty-three years of life on this beautiful, crazy, tragic, painful Earth.
One year ago, I officially posted for the first time about my choice to spend my 22nd year in Ghana, West Africa.
One year ago, I was TERRIFIED... and so excited. I knew what I was supposed to do, but I didn't really know why.
One year later, my heart aches to return. But now, I am realizing that my life is an act of obedience. As I was obedient to the Lord in going to Ghana 10 months ago, I am also striving to be joyfully obedient in my return to Washington.
When I was 22...
...I traveled the world.
...I spent my first year as a post-graduate.
...I taught in the back corner of a small classroom.
...I loved on 35 CORM kids relentlessly.
...people around the world loved on me relentlessly.
...Jesus showed Himself to me in new and beautiful ways.
...I grew. I cried. I loved. I lost. I gained. I sang. I danced. I ran. I cheered. I taught. I suffered. I grieved. I challenged. I was challenged. I conquered. I changed.
I'd call that a successful year.
Today, I spent the day with some of my sweetest friends, cheering for the Mariners, getting a sunburn, and strolling around downtown Ballard in search of delicious food. I look forward to my move to Kennewick in two weeks. I celebrate the work Jesus has done and is continuing to do in my life. Today, I celebrate life.
Cheers to 23, the new adventures it has to bring, and a little more Jesus in my life every day.
30 June 2013
Go and tell!
"The man from whom the demons had gone out begged to go with him, but Jesus sent him away, saying, 'Return home and tell how much God has done for you.' So the man went away and told all over town how much Jesus had done for him." (Luke 8:38, 39 NIV)
Yes Lord. I will.
Yes Lord. I will.
29 June 2013
Heartache
This morning, I cried at the image of two of our beautiful City of Refuge girls serving their community in an outreach. Their faces, so clear and familiar, are more than I can bear right now.
My heart aches to hug them... To love on them... To serve them as I did for nine months.
I found this quote on the 147 Million Orphans blog (yes, that's a real number. 147 million too many...) just a few minutes ago, and it hit home so closely. Words of deep, inexplicable pain over leaving "the least of these" who have brought out the most of you...
This leaves me speechless... The words I've been searching for, but haven't been able to come up with...
I know the heartache will go away to an extent. I know this will get easier. But my heart is in that place, with all 41 kids that are there... Oh Lord, tend to that peace of my heart... I ache so badly to return to it.
My heart aches to hug them... To love on them... To serve them as I did for nine months.
I found this quote on the 147 Million Orphans blog (yes, that's a real number. 147 million too many...) just a few minutes ago, and it hit home so closely. Words of deep, inexplicable pain over leaving "the least of these" who have brought out the most of you...
"And all that gets you through those minutes is thinking about the next time you will be here……and the love that you have for this place and the children that inhabit it…….because were it not for the immense amount of love for them, you would never willingly subject yourself to this much pain and heartache…."
This leaves me speechless... The words I've been searching for, but haven't been able to come up with...
I know the heartache will go away to an extent. I know this will get easier. But my heart is in that place, with all 41 kids that are there... Oh Lord, tend to that peace of my heart... I ache so badly to return to it.
20 June 2013
Transition
As of this moment, I've been back in the United States for 11 days, 7 hours, and about 45 minutes. When I landed in Denver, Colorado, I was greeted by a dear friend in the airport with a smile and a hug... But I was immediately put into sensory overload. This many days later, I am still pushing through that. As I walked to put a letter in the mail the other day, I got overwhelmed just walking down my street... The smells of freshly cut grass and flowers were foreign to me, the sounds of elementary students playing down the block brought back floods of nostalgia from the children I left behind, and the sunlight felt too bright for my eyes to contain.
I've been asked a million times "How are you adjusting to being back? Are you happy to be back in the world of ___________ (you name it... internet, texting, food, America)?" How do I even begin to convey how hard it was to leave, and the lack of excitement that I have felt the whole time about being back in the States? Really, I'm adjusting outwardly fine, but inwardly is pretty rocky!
Honestly, my favorite question I've been asked was Aaron McMurray's "Tell us the WORST thing that happened in Ghana... Something where you said 'Why am I even here?'" In that, I can tell of God's redemption... The way He moved even in the darkness... But in trying to explain my transition? I get through the sentence "Well, it feels really different, and it was really hard to say goodbye, but it was such a fun week of celebrating Tricia and Jesse" before I lose about 50% of the ears. And I don't expect anything else... I'm just not sure where to fit back in. When my sweet housemate Jill asks "Tell me EVERYTHING about the culture... The people, the food, everything!," I could tell she really meant it... No one would talk about slave castles for half an hour at a wedding if they didn't truly have ears that wanted to hear! I am thankful for these little moments where I can just share my reality...
I feel like I am stalking life in Ghana... Looking through Christa and Meaghan's pictures, clinging to words from Autumn, thinking about that place all the time, praying for different kids... Today, sweet little Florence celebrated her birthday... What I would have given to be there and watch her dance around as she tried to escape the water that was inevitably being poured on her. June brought birthdays for Evelyn, Mary, Sammy, Abigail, DK, Florence, Hannah, John, Alex, and Grace... Days where their FREEDOM is being celebrated, as their "birthdays" were marked as the day they came to City of Refuge, since very few of the children actually know the day they were born. I would have loved to be there to celebrate each and every one of those precious children... But that's not where the Lord has called me for this season, and I'm still working on coming to terms with that.
Each day this week, I have woken up feeling exhausted... But as my mom pointed out, I have been going and going since the second I stepped off the plane. My devotional book started with this thought this morning...
"I speak to you continually. My nature is to communicate, though not always in words. I fling glorious sunsets across the sky, day after day. I speak in the faces and voices of loved ones. I caress you with a gentle breeze the refreshes and delights you. I speak softly in the depths of your spirit, where I have taken up residence." Jesus Calling, Sarah Young
When I was in Ghana, this felt easier to take the time to see. Here, I get so caught up with the flood of people to see and conversations to be had that I don't stop as often to marvel in the intricacies. I hope that this will change once I get my feet on the ground... But my feet won't be on the ground until the middle of August! How do I slow down my heart and my spirit, when my life is rushing around me?
This week, my family took a ~24 hour trip to go spend some time with my grandparents, as my grandfather's health has been declining rapidly in the last few months. I was so excited to have a room to our hotel to myself, able to curl up with a book and maybe some TV and just relax... But I couldn't even manage to do it there! My obsession with Facebook, instagram, constantly looking up something... It's consuming when I let it be! Even in the midst of writing this blog I find myself constantly "just checking." It's ridiculous! I finally realized I needed to just keep my phone in the car when I was in their house so that I wasn't checking things in the middle of conversation. I just went without all of this for 9 months... Am I really not strong enough to maintain that?
So as I prepare to head to Montana for a week to spend time with Caty and Randi (for which I am so excited!), my prayer is for time to really dig in and process... But also to not have unrealistic expectations of myself. Yes, I'm going to indulge in the internet a little. Yes, I'm going to eat a little too much. Yes, I'm going to want to hear what's going on in Ghana. No, I'm not going to be perfect.
But I'm going to try to listen for the small voice... See His presence in the flowers and the mountains... Feel His peace in both the rain and the sunshine... Ease those depths of my spirit where He abides...
I've been asked a million times "How are you adjusting to being back? Are you happy to be back in the world of ___________ (you name it... internet, texting, food, America)?" How do I even begin to convey how hard it was to leave, and the lack of excitement that I have felt the whole time about being back in the States? Really, I'm adjusting outwardly fine, but inwardly is pretty rocky!
Honestly, my favorite question I've been asked was Aaron McMurray's "Tell us the WORST thing that happened in Ghana... Something where you said 'Why am I even here?'" In that, I can tell of God's redemption... The way He moved even in the darkness... But in trying to explain my transition? I get through the sentence "Well, it feels really different, and it was really hard to say goodbye, but it was such a fun week of celebrating Tricia and Jesse" before I lose about 50% of the ears. And I don't expect anything else... I'm just not sure where to fit back in. When my sweet housemate Jill asks "Tell me EVERYTHING about the culture... The people, the food, everything!," I could tell she really meant it... No one would talk about slave castles for half an hour at a wedding if they didn't truly have ears that wanted to hear! I am thankful for these little moments where I can just share my reality...
I feel like I am stalking life in Ghana... Looking through Christa and Meaghan's pictures, clinging to words from Autumn, thinking about that place all the time, praying for different kids... Today, sweet little Florence celebrated her birthday... What I would have given to be there and watch her dance around as she tried to escape the water that was inevitably being poured on her. June brought birthdays for Evelyn, Mary, Sammy, Abigail, DK, Florence, Hannah, John, Alex, and Grace... Days where their FREEDOM is being celebrated, as their "birthdays" were marked as the day they came to City of Refuge, since very few of the children actually know the day they were born. I would have loved to be there to celebrate each and every one of those precious children... But that's not where the Lord has called me for this season, and I'm still working on coming to terms with that.
Each day this week, I have woken up feeling exhausted... But as my mom pointed out, I have been going and going since the second I stepped off the plane. My devotional book started with this thought this morning...
"I speak to you continually. My nature is to communicate, though not always in words. I fling glorious sunsets across the sky, day after day. I speak in the faces and voices of loved ones. I caress you with a gentle breeze the refreshes and delights you. I speak softly in the depths of your spirit, where I have taken up residence." Jesus Calling, Sarah Young
When I was in Ghana, this felt easier to take the time to see. Here, I get so caught up with the flood of people to see and conversations to be had that I don't stop as often to marvel in the intricacies. I hope that this will change once I get my feet on the ground... But my feet won't be on the ground until the middle of August! How do I slow down my heart and my spirit, when my life is rushing around me?
This week, my family took a ~24 hour trip to go spend some time with my grandparents, as my grandfather's health has been declining rapidly in the last few months. I was so excited to have a room to our hotel to myself, able to curl up with a book and maybe some TV and just relax... But I couldn't even manage to do it there! My obsession with Facebook, instagram, constantly looking up something... It's consuming when I let it be! Even in the midst of writing this blog I find myself constantly "just checking." It's ridiculous! I finally realized I needed to just keep my phone in the car when I was in their house so that I wasn't checking things in the middle of conversation. I just went without all of this for 9 months... Am I really not strong enough to maintain that?
So as I prepare to head to Montana for a week to spend time with Caty and Randi (for which I am so excited!), my prayer is for time to really dig in and process... But also to not have unrealistic expectations of myself. Yes, I'm going to indulge in the internet a little. Yes, I'm going to eat a little too much. Yes, I'm going to want to hear what's going on in Ghana. No, I'm not going to be perfect.
But I'm going to try to listen for the small voice... See His presence in the flowers and the mountains... Feel His peace in both the rain and the sunshine... Ease those depths of my spirit where He abides...
09 June 2013
Things I Forgot About
Things I forgot about in 5 months of being away from the States...
1. It can get dark later than 6:30pm.
2. Drinking water from a glass. And free water at restaurants.
3. Being cold. Ever.
4. Caring about what I look like... Whoops. Nothing like an afternoon in downtown Boulder after traveling for 24+ hours to give you a nice reminder that you look like a mess. Oh wait... I am a mess!
5. What it's like to walk down the street and not be stared at.
6. How much I HATE my phone. I miss my simple little Ghana phone with the butt-bumping Panda game!
7. White children.
8. Parks. Green grass? Play areas? What's that?
And this is only after 6 hours of being here...
Ouch.
As I write this, I am watching "The Dark Knight" on my way from Frankfurt, Germany to Denver, Colorado (USA). It's still unreal to me that when I land, I will be on American soil for the first time in five months. I have drank hot chocolate with Anna in Germany, slept for a few hours on my fist flight, and cheated the Internet system to get a few hours free... And I have cried, cried, and cried some more.
The view out my window as we started our descent into Germany!
These last 24 hours have been some of the hardest moments of my life. I woke up Saturday morning with a pit in my stomach... "Today's the day," I told myself. The day I have to leave 38 little souls whom I love to pieces, the day I leave the volunteers and missionaries who have given their hearts to City of Refuge for different amounts of time, the day I leave my sweet friends Autumn and Emily, the day I leave my home...
Oh, shoot. I thought my tears were finished for the time being.
(Side note: Flight attendants look at you strangely when they ask you a question and you look at them with tears on your cheek. Try and avoid this situation if possible. Good luck.)
For the last 9 months, I have teased Autumn about her constant Instagram-ing. During church services, sitting at dinner, or walking home from school, it's not unlikely for her to stop and snap a picture of something beautiful, funny, or precious... Never have I been so thankful for this as in the last day. I saw these kids 22 hours ago and I already miss them so, so much...
Many of the kids that I worked with were orphaned. Some of them were sold into human trafficking. Some of them were abandoned at a young age, left with a elderly family member, or with no family members at all. All of them have felt pain... So much pain. And yesterday, in a few of their hearts, I felt like I was bringing all this pain back to them as I kissed their heads for the last time (for now... I know I will be back). I don't want them to feel abandoned... If only they could understand how deeply they are loved by me, but most importantly, loved by Jesus. I know that they are stronger than I can even imagine and that they are going to be just fine... But seeing Florence's eyes, dead and full of pain, so confused about why she keeps being left behind... It brings me to tears just picturing it. In those moments, I can only pray for the comfort of Jesus... Nothing else will suffice. And I pray the same for myself... I know I was called to Ghana for a specific season, but right now I am having a hard time reconciling the ending of this part of my life.
This week, I get to celebrate the wedding of my wonderful friends Tricia and Jesse. This week, I get to live with my beautiful Devin and share the excitement of her engagement that I haven't been around for. This week, I get to reconnect with people who I haven't seen in five months, and some even longer... I am excited to see these people and see the work the Lord is doing in their life. A week from tomorrow, I get to see my future school and get a small, quick glimpse of the life I will be living in Kennewick. This summer, I get to share the joys of what God is doing in my heart with people all around the country,and for that I am thrilled...
But this week, I also continue the process of figuring out what to do with the pain, hurt, and poverty I have lived along side for the last 9 months. This week, I will eagerly stalk Autumn's Instagram and cling to every small piece of life at City of Refuge I can get my hands and eyes on. This week, I'm pretty sure I will continue to cry and cry, missing so much...
This week, I will still walk alongside the same Jesus that walked with me in Ghana day in and day out. And if I keep my eyes fixed there, I have to trust that no matter how much pain is there or how many tears I shed, my soul can rejoice in the work He is doing in this world, and the work He has done in me.
The view out my window as we started our descent into Germany!
These last 24 hours have been some of the hardest moments of my life. I woke up Saturday morning with a pit in my stomach... "Today's the day," I told myself. The day I have to leave 38 little souls whom I love to pieces, the day I leave the volunteers and missionaries who have given their hearts to City of Refuge for different amounts of time, the day I leave my sweet friends Autumn and Emily, the day I leave my home...
Oh, shoot. I thought my tears were finished for the time being.
(Side note: Flight attendants look at you strangely when they ask you a question and you look at them with tears on your cheek. Try and avoid this situation if possible. Good luck.)
For the last 9 months, I have teased Autumn about her constant Instagram-ing. During church services, sitting at dinner, or walking home from school, it's not unlikely for her to stop and snap a picture of something beautiful, funny, or precious... Never have I been so thankful for this as in the last day. I saw these kids 22 hours ago and I already miss them so, so much...
Many of the kids that I worked with were orphaned. Some of them were sold into human trafficking. Some of them were abandoned at a young age, left with a elderly family member, or with no family members at all. All of them have felt pain... So much pain. And yesterday, in a few of their hearts, I felt like I was bringing all this pain back to them as I kissed their heads for the last time (for now... I know I will be back). I don't want them to feel abandoned... If only they could understand how deeply they are loved by me, but most importantly, loved by Jesus. I know that they are stronger than I can even imagine and that they are going to be just fine... But seeing Florence's eyes, dead and full of pain, so confused about why she keeps being left behind... It brings me to tears just picturing it. In those moments, I can only pray for the comfort of Jesus... Nothing else will suffice. And I pray the same for myself... I know I was called to Ghana for a specific season, but right now I am having a hard time reconciling the ending of this part of my life.
This week, I get to celebrate the wedding of my wonderful friends Tricia and Jesse. This week, I get to live with my beautiful Devin and share the excitement of her engagement that I haven't been around for. This week, I get to reconnect with people who I haven't seen in five months, and some even longer... I am excited to see these people and see the work the Lord is doing in their life. A week from tomorrow, I get to see my future school and get a small, quick glimpse of the life I will be living in Kennewick. This summer, I get to share the joys of what God is doing in my heart with people all around the country,and for that I am thrilled...
But this week, I also continue the process of figuring out what to do with the pain, hurt, and poverty I have lived along side for the last 9 months. This week, I will eagerly stalk Autumn's Instagram and cling to every small piece of life at City of Refuge I can get my hands and eyes on. This week, I'm pretty sure I will continue to cry and cry, missing so much...
This week, I will still walk alongside the same Jesus that walked with me in Ghana day in and day out. And if I keep my eyes fixed there, I have to trust that no matter how much pain is there or how many tears I shed, my soul can rejoice in the work He is doing in this world, and the work He has done in me.
05 June 2013
Preparing for a New Chapter
I leave Ghana in less than 4 days.
My heart is not ready... I don't think it ever would be, no matter when I was leaving.
Not ready to leave Gamali hugs... Florence tackles... DK jokes... Mary hugs (and squirms at kisses)... Malvin kissing my feet when they're clean... Autumn laughter, songs, and silliness... Emily love, energy, and growth... Bible study heart challenges... muddy roads... art markets... trips to Accra... Sunday church gatherings... Bismark finally able to spell his last name... Rosemary sassiness... Paul sarcasm (with lots of hidden love in it)... Not ready to leave Ghana.
My prayer for this week is feeling... I don't want to be numb... I want to revel in the pain and cry at the heartache. I want to leave this place knowing that it loved me well, and I did my best to love it well in return... But it hurts deep.
God, this life is not my own... I give it to you out of thanks for your grace... I pray that you will meet me in these depths, not to pull me out, but to walk alongside me, feeling every last bit of the way...
My heart is not ready... I don't think it ever would be, no matter when I was leaving.
Not ready to leave Gamali hugs... Florence tackles... DK jokes... Mary hugs (and squirms at kisses)... Malvin kissing my feet when they're clean... Autumn laughter, songs, and silliness... Emily love, energy, and growth... Bible study heart challenges... muddy roads... art markets... trips to Accra... Sunday church gatherings... Bismark finally able to spell his last name... Rosemary sassiness... Paul sarcasm (with lots of hidden love in it)... Not ready to leave Ghana.
My prayer for this week is feeling... I don't want to be numb... I want to revel in the pain and cry at the heartache. I want to leave this place knowing that it loved me well, and I did my best to love it well in return... But it hurts deep.
God, this life is not my own... I give it to you out of thanks for your grace... I pray that you will meet me in these depths, not to pull me out, but to walk alongside me, feeling every last bit of the way...
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