Transition

As of this moment, I've been back in the United States for 11 days, 7 hours, and about 45 minutes. When I landed in Denver, Colorado, I was greeted by a dear friend in the airport with a smile and a hug... But I was immediately put into sensory overload. This many days later, I am still pushing through that. As I walked to put a letter in the mail the other day, I got overwhelmed just walking down my street... The smells of freshly cut grass and flowers were foreign to me, the sounds of elementary students playing down the block brought back floods of nostalgia from the children I left behind, and the sunlight felt too bright for my eyes to contain.

I've been asked a million times "How are you adjusting to being back? Are you happy to be back in the world of ___________ (you name it... internet, texting, food, America)?" How do I even begin to convey how hard it was to leave, and the lack of excitement that I have felt the whole time about being back in the States? Really, I'm adjusting outwardly fine, but inwardly is pretty rocky!

Honestly, my favorite question I've been asked was Aaron McMurray's "Tell us the WORST thing that happened in Ghana... Something where you said 'Why am I even here?'" In that, I can tell of God's redemption... The way He moved even in the darkness... But in trying to explain my transition? I get through the sentence "Well, it feels really different, and it was really hard to say goodbye, but it was such a fun week of celebrating Tricia and Jesse" before I lose about 50% of the ears. And I don't expect anything else... I'm just not sure where to fit back in. When my sweet housemate Jill asks "Tell me EVERYTHING about the culture... The people, the food, everything!," I could tell she really meant it... No one would talk about slave castles for half an hour at a wedding if they didn't truly have ears that wanted to hear! I am thankful for these little moments where I can just share my reality...

I feel like I am stalking life in Ghana... Looking through Christa and Meaghan's pictures, clinging to words from Autumn, thinking about that place all the time, praying for different kids... Today, sweet little Florence celebrated her birthday... What I would have given to be there and watch her dance around as she tried to escape the water that was inevitably being poured on her. June brought birthdays for Evelyn, Mary, Sammy, Abigail, DK, Florence, Hannah, John, Alex, and Grace... Days where their FREEDOM is being celebrated, as their "birthdays" were marked as the day they came to City of Refuge, since very few of the children actually know the day they were born. I would have loved to be there to celebrate each and every one of those precious children... But that's not where the Lord has called me for this season, and I'm still working on coming to terms with that.

Each day this week, I have woken up feeling exhausted... But as my mom pointed out, I have been going and going since the second I stepped off the plane. My devotional book started with this thought this morning...

"I speak to you continually. My nature is to communicate, though not always in words. I fling glorious sunsets across the sky, day after day. I speak in the faces and voices of loved ones. I caress you with a gentle breeze the refreshes and delights you. I speak softly in the depths of your spirit, where I have taken up residence." Jesus Calling, Sarah Young

When I was in Ghana, this felt easier to take the time to see. Here, I get so caught up with the flood of people to see and conversations to be had that I don't stop as often to marvel in the intricacies. I hope that this will change once I get my feet on the ground... But my feet won't be on the ground until the middle of August! How do I slow down my heart and my spirit, when my life is rushing around me?

This week, my family took a ~24 hour trip to go spend some time with my grandparents, as my grandfather's health has been declining rapidly in the last few months. I was so excited to have a room to our hotel to myself, able to curl up with a book and maybe some TV and just relax... But I couldn't even manage to do it there! My obsession with Facebook, instagram, constantly looking up something... It's consuming when I let it be! Even in the midst of writing this blog I find myself constantly "just checking." It's ridiculous! I finally realized I needed to just keep my phone in the car when I was in their house so that I wasn't checking things in the middle of conversation. I just went without all of this for 9 months... Am I really not strong enough to maintain that?

So as I prepare to head to Montana for a week to spend time with Caty and Randi (for which I am so excited!), my prayer is for time to really dig in and process... But also to not have unrealistic expectations of myself. Yes, I'm going to indulge in the internet a little. Yes, I'm going to eat a little too much. Yes, I'm going to want to hear what's going on in Ghana. No, I'm not going to be perfect.

But I'm going to try to listen for the small voice... See His presence in the flowers and the mountains... Feel His peace in both the rain and the sunshine... Ease those depths of my spirit where He abides...