Internet Fast

This weekend I got so frustrated with myself for so easily falling back into the pattern of getting on the internet constantly, checking my e-mail and hoping for a measly notification of Facebook, probably from the Whitworth Club Volleyball Team saying “Open gym tonight at 7:30 in Graves!” I would spent time waiting for my e-mail to load only to receive an e-mail from “1000 Awesome Things” or “BECU Account Statements”… I don’t even use my BECU account. In fact, I tried to close it and the teller guy is a sweet-talker and got me to keep it open… Note that I haven’t made a deposit in there for probably 4 years. But alas, I got so frustrated at spending time (and money!) looking at nothing that I told Holly to hide our “internet stick” (I still don’t get how it works) from me until Friday.

That’s not to say that I don’t LOVE hearing from people—I do! And that’s why I check my e-mail and Facebook and blog (yes, I check my own blog. I have a strange obsession with looking at my view count and trying to guess who might be looking at it) as often as I do. I eagerly await replies from friends from home, e-mails with news or fun facts or random tidbits about the life that I am used to, wedding color schemes from Tricia, news of the students coming into Caty’s class before school, the first weeks of grad school from Callie Gordon, a blog about second grade from Kaitlyn… Even though these things feel so far away, I love to hear them. But I don’t love the feeling of being pulled away from my life here to find a tiny smidgen of comfort from home on a daily basis.

I brought letters and pictures with me, and my e-mail program on my computer lets me open up all my old Whitworth e-mails even without an internet connection, so I can reply and re-read and reminisce (thank goodness… that capability has gotten me through some hard nights here). But this week, I am trying to spend more time reading and writing and praying and being here, instead of missing or searching for home.

The first two weeks that I was here we didn’t have internet access at all, and it really wasn’t that big of a deal. I wrote a lot of blogs and e-mails and awaited the day when I could post or send them all, but even though everything here was new, not having the ability to get on wasn’t that big of a deal.

Even though now we have access to it pretty much any time we want, Holly rarely gets on. Part of it is her computer wasn’t working, plus the internet makes her computer freeze (Dad, I’m really glad I brought this one and not my one from school!), but never does she complain or really miss it much. I want to be more like her in that regard… Thankful for the messages and notes I do receive in time, but not sitting around waiting or hoping for them. Just taking things as they come.

A little piece of me wants to reach across this table and take the internet out of her computer and just check my e-mail… Just in case… But what is there now will be there on Friday. And if wanting the internet is my biggest craving or pull right now, then I have bigger issues to grapple with… Issues of materialism and satisfaction in the words of other and a desire to be acknowledged. I am re-reading Donald Miller’s “Searching for God Knows What” (which I believe I mentioned in an earlier post) and he speaks so much of the human desire to be validated by those around us… “Validation” was a word that the Bat Cave (Tricia, Devin, Callie, and myself) threw around as a joke for a long time in college… Teasing ourselves for our desire to have others say that what we are doing is good or right or meaningful. When I am online, I feel as though that’s what I am looking for, even from my closest friends… Words that say to me, “I am proud of you. You are doing something special. I still love you, even from afar.” Yet, I am a walking contradiction… I will say to you, “No, I’m not doing anything special. I’m just teaching… And sometimes not even that. I’m just following a calling.”

Not to say that it’s not a leap of faith. No, this life is not for everyone. Yes, things here are HARD. Some days are harder than others. But it’s like I want to hear these things only so that I have the opportunity to try and appear humble. So that I can say “Thank you, but really, I’m just doing what I’m supposed to do.” And that defeats the entire purpose.

So in case I have thoroughly confused you, about my thoughts from West Africa, let me summarize:

I love you all. So much. And I want to hear from you. So please keep writing. Tell me about your life – that stuff is my favorite to get.

Even when it feels far away. Even when I miss it. Even when I am waiting for a student to draw a triangle on a whiteboard and I have images of driving up to the Wandermere movie theater in Tricia’s car, even when I picture myself holding a Starbucks cup with a Pumpkin Spice Latte, even when I hear about teachers at home and wonder why I am in this place or if I’m even doing the right job or if I will even be a good teacher, here or in the States… I want to hear about it all. Please.