In this moment I am sitting on my living room floor,
headphones sending sweet sounds of the new Mumford & Sons CD through my
ears, compliments of Caty Lieseke… thank you, friend, for sending this to me. I
am sipping tea that reminds me of a January spent at Mountainside Middle School
in the month when I told myself I wouldn’t buy coffee. I am sitting in the
presence of three wonderful girls/women on a beautiful Saturday morning. Right
now, things feel peaceful here.
But this week wasn’t a very peaceful week. Sunday I woke up
feeling angry at the world… Which was frustrating, after returning home from an
awesome adventure day on Saturday. I was angry to be 7000 miles away from the
people I love. I was angry to have to deal with trying to figure out what to do
about Tricia and Jesse’s wedding. I was angry that I had to go to a church that
doesn’t engage me, because as Autumn pointed out to me, “It’s not our heart
language.” I was angry that I couldn’t sit on a couch or hug a friend or go out
to a movie and eat buttery popcorn and then have a calzone at Tomato Street or
a White Christmas pizza from The Rock. I was angry that I didn’t have phone
credit to call anyone at home. I was angry to be here.
I knew that God wanted me to draw closer to him. I knew that
if that was where I really focused, all these other things would seem bearable
(or even silly). I knew that I needed to change my heart… Make that, I needed
Him to change my heart. But I didn’t want to need that. I wanted what I wanted.
So Monday I stayed angry. I cried in my classroom in the
morning, not wanting to go pull kids to do any work. I got frustrated at
Bismark as things didn’t seem to stick in his head. I got frustrated seeing
kids hitting each other and being disrespectful. I was upset by everything,
just because it was in Africa. So I went and sat on Holly’s classroom floor at
lunch and talked to her, when she told me what I needed to hear, but not what I
wanted to hear. I walked away still angry because I didn’t want to do what I
needed to do.
I told myself I wasn’t going to go on the internet until
Thursday after Monday night. Well, Tuesday morning Holly was using my computer
to go on, so I had her open up my e-mail. When I went to close it, I was blown
away to find messages from three of my most precious friends, Randi, Caty, and
Devin. All three sent messages of encouragement and love and shared struggles.
But from the moment I opened Devin’s, I knew God was listening to my heart… I
found an e-mail titled “Don’t Give Up” and filled with Bible quotes and
commentary and words of encouragement… Words that seemed to match exactly what
I was thinking and feeling. A Heavenly message from an Earthly friend… It was
exactly what I needed. From that moment, things felt small again. Life seemed
do-able again. And God seemed present again.
Things here still go up-and-down fast. I get excited when I
see improvement in my students… My little data graphs are so reinforcing for
me. It’s pretty funny. But then there are days when I just want to use a little
magic and insert knowledge into my students’ brains so that it sticks, because
whatever I’m doing certainly isn’t getting it to stick (just learn the color
green… Please… And blue… and a square… and the letter A…. please!).
In two months I will be in Spokane visiting the place where
I left a big chunk of my heart. I wish I could fly there now and go to Pleasant
Blends on my way to Green Bluff… The place where I got Randi and Caty to hang
out with me for the first time J
But instead, I will go to Family Fun Day and probably get overwhelmed and
venture out to Prom Prom tonight for Girls Night with our Bible Study girls and
our visitors… I don’t have much of a choice but to do my best loving life here.
PS- Happy birthday, Roomie (Callie Bergstrom)! I am still thankful Whitworth knew we needed to live together. Have the best day today!
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