Pumpkin Spiced Frustration

This afternoon during lunch I typed in “pumpkin spice latter Starbucks DIY” because I wanted to know what special syrup you need in order to make your coffee taste like heaven here in Africa. Little did I know that I would find a HUGE number of articles reporting on a Pumpkin Spice Latte shortage in the US this Fall. One article had pictures from tweets that had gone up about it… “’Sorry, there’s an area wide shortage.’ #firstworldproblems.”

Just an hour before that, I was sitting in Autumn’s office saying “I don’t understand this [Ghanaian] culture that not only lets kids slip through the cracks, but pushes them in there… I don’t understand this culture that enslaves their children… I don’t understand this culture that punishes children for being different. I don’t understand a culture where critical thinking is basically nonexistent… And it’s not even that I don’t understand, it’s that it makes me mad…”

I honestly believe there are enough technology and resources  in this world to create a world [a whole world, not just a North American/European/Asian world] where children have a chance. No, I didn’t go do research on this, but I can look at a cityscape (or the front of a Starbucks) in Seattle or New York or San Francisco and believe that within these areas, there is money to create change. I also believe that without people to kickstart this change, any money is worthless. But there are ways to make it so that they don’t have to be put on fishing boats at the age of 7. There’s enough money to pay for these kids to eat and sleep. But instead, we are fretting because we can’t buy our damn Starbucks Pumpkin Spice Lattes.

And that’s not to say I don’t love lattes. I crave coffee shops all the time here… Not coffee, though I love that too, but coffee shops. The atmosphere, the comfort, the familiarity, the conversation with Louise at Pleasant Blends over my pumpkin muffin and caramel vanilla latte. I miss all of that, and I am so much a culprit on this first-world-problems mindset. I even have first world problems in Africa… My power went out about 30 seconds ago and I want to throw my plate across the room. The menu button on my iPad is acting up and I just shake the stupid thing because I’m mad at it. I hate black eyes peas, and we eat them all the time. None of these things are life-or-death, meaning they’re about as silly as fretting over a shortage of Pumpkin Spice syrup.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve made #firstworldproblems comments many times over the years… I still chuckle/cringe (depending on the day) over an e-mail from Tricia while I was here that said “I just want to say as a side note that these are first world problems...and you are the only person I have ever said that to where it has literal meaning!”

But it’s true. Right now, I do feel the literal meaning of that statement. I can say it as a joke… But from here, I can also say it as a cry for open eyes.

A cry to realize that #thirdworldproblems aren’t a joke. A cry to realize that #thirdworldproblems means #thirdworldheartache. A cry to realize that sometimes, these heartaches are life or death. Sometimes, it means a child’s education. Sometimes, it means the future of a family. Sometimes, it’s a whole country in a despair they don’t even know is there.

So today, I’m mad at America and I’m mad at Ghana. I don’t want to bash on either of them… But I want to wrestle with them.

The whole time I’ve been here, I’ve been clinging to the line of the song Hosanna, “Break my heart for what breaks Yours… everything I am for you kingdom come. Show me how to love like You have loved me…”

Today, my heart feels plenty broken. Now I have to figure out where to go from here…

But in this, I encourage you to seek out ways to make change yourself. Seek out ways to give, both to the people around you and to people across the world. Find a way to provide for someone, whether it be financially, emotionally, spiritually, or physically. Find a way to other encourage people who are seeking out this change as well. Find a way to show someone life.

Missing Crisp Fall Days

In this moment I am sitting on my living room floor, headphones sending sweet sounds of the new Mumford & Sons CD through my ears, compliments of Caty Lieseke… thank you, friend, for sending this to me. I am sipping tea that reminds me of a January spent at Mountainside Middle School in the month when I told myself I wouldn’t buy coffee. I am sitting in the presence of three wonderful girls/women on a beautiful Saturday morning. Right now, things feel peaceful here.

But this week wasn’t a very peaceful week. Sunday I woke up feeling angry at the world… Which was frustrating, after returning home from an awesome adventure day on Saturday. I was angry to be 7000 miles away from the people I love. I was angry to have to deal with trying to figure out what to do about Tricia and Jesse’s wedding. I was angry that I had to go to a church that doesn’t engage me, because as Autumn pointed out to me, “It’s not our heart language.” I was angry that I couldn’t sit on a couch or hug a friend or go out to a movie and eat buttery popcorn and then have a calzone at Tomato Street or a White Christmas pizza from The Rock. I was angry that I didn’t have phone credit to call anyone at home. I was angry to be here.

I knew that God wanted me to draw closer to him. I knew that if that was where I really focused, all these other things would seem bearable (or even silly). I knew that I needed to change my heart… Make that, I needed Him to change my heart. But I didn’t want to need that. I wanted what I wanted.

So Monday I stayed angry. I cried in my classroom in the morning, not wanting to go pull kids to do any work. I got frustrated at Bismark as things didn’t seem to stick in his head. I got frustrated seeing kids hitting each other and being disrespectful. I was upset by everything, just because it was in Africa. So I went and sat on Holly’s classroom floor at lunch and talked to her, when she told me what I needed to hear, but not what I wanted to hear. I walked away still angry because I didn’t want to do what I needed to do.

I told myself I wasn’t going to go on the internet until Thursday after Monday night. Well, Tuesday morning Holly was using my computer to go on, so I had her open up my e-mail. When I went to close it, I was blown away to find messages from three of my most precious friends, Randi, Caty, and Devin. All three sent messages of encouragement and love and shared struggles. But from the moment I opened Devin’s, I knew God was listening to my heart… I found an e-mail titled “Don’t Give Up” and filled with Bible quotes and commentary and words of encouragement… Words that seemed to match exactly what I was thinking and feeling. A Heavenly message from an Earthly friend… It was exactly what I needed. From that moment, things felt small again. Life seemed do-able again. And God seemed present again.

Things here still go up-and-down fast. I get excited when I see improvement in my students… My little data graphs are so reinforcing for me. It’s pretty funny. But then there are days when I just want to use a little magic and insert knowledge into my students’ brains so that it sticks, because whatever I’m doing certainly isn’t getting it to stick (just learn the color green… Please… And blue… and a square… and the letter A…. please!).

In two months I will be in Spokane visiting the place where I left a big chunk of my heart. I wish I could fly there now and go to Pleasant Blends on my way to Green Bluff… The place where I got Randi and Caty to hang out with me for the first time J But instead, I will go to Family Fun Day and probably get overwhelmed and venture out to Prom Prom tonight for Girls Night with our Bible Study girls and our visitors… I don’t have much of a choice but to do my best loving life here.

PS- Happy birthday, Roomie (Callie Bergstrom)! I am still thankful Whitworth knew we needed to live together. Have the best day today!

Adventure Day

Yesterday was a beautiful day.

I woke up, hopped on the computer because I knew our internet expired tomorrow (well, today now), and was greeted with lightning-fast internet. After posting a Facebook status about said internet (it’s the little things here), my dearest wonderful friend Anna Richter (Richter! AH!) “liked” it, meaning that she was awake… Therefore, I quickly got a hold of her to get on Skype because I wanted to see if it would work with my magical speedy internet (there are different internet settings here, I don’t really know how to explain it, but mine was on a server it had never connected to before, but I liked it!). After discovering that my webcam has a built-in microphone (which was good, because my headphones with a mic were left at school over the weekend!), Skype worked for 8 whole minutes! Which was more than I expected it to! After I gave up on trying to get the internet to work (it had gone back to its usual snails pace by now), I gave up and just called her instead. I had told a few of the City of Refuge kids that Anna and I were playing phone tag, and Abigail and DK kept telling me that I had to find them whenever Auntie Anna called. When I went to the house to go get Abigail, I called her over from across the path… Once she realized I was on the phone, she SPRINTED to me with the biggest smile on her face, took the phone out of my hands, and literally danced as she was on the phone with Anna. She was so excited to get to talk to her, it was so stinking precious!

After running out of phone credit (discovered that European calls are more expensive than American ones… Worth it!), I took a quick shower and ate some bread before sitting down to make plans with Holly!

This week, Holly and I decided that we needed to find a way to take an adventure over the weekend. I had only been around in a car and I wanted to take a trotro, a 9-passenger van that sits between 9-12 people depending on how crowded they want to make it. I’m sure that sometimes they fit more in there, but we were lucky and got pretty reasonable ones! We didn’t really have anywhere specific we wanted to go, just somewhere away from here. After getting some guidance from John and Stacy, we took off walking (though not to where John told us to go… We were stubborn!) and caught a trotro going into Accra. Mind you, we were told to go to Ashama and then to Circle and then to Makola in order to get to the market we wanted to go to… But we decided Accra would work! Even though we got ripped off a cedi on our trotro fare, it still worked out well! Turns out the trotro goes right past the Accra mall, which I have been to twice already but we knew our way around there! So we hopped off, got some pizza, ate some ice cream, and made a few quick trips to get some internet credit and some fruit! We thought about picking up some new movies, but all of them were SUPER expensive, and we had a lot of people just staring at us (I took my first deer-in-the-headlights picture with a Ghanaian man who wanted pictures with obrunis… Don’t worry mom, I’m safe!) so we headed out.

We ended up taking a taxi down to the market because we wanted to see what it was like. Stacy told us it was a local market so there wouldn’t be tons of tourists (and by that she seemed to mean we were the ONLY white people in sight), and things should be cheaper and it was big. We got there and discovered that big means huge and crazy and overwhelming… Honestly, we didn’t last very long there. We walked around, Holly picked up some fabric, we each got a few vegetables (I bartered for the first time here… Got myself a free pepper!), and took a taxi back to the mall. We probably could have got a trotro, but the taxis aren’t too expensive if you can barter a price (which I left to Holly) and are much more convenient. We picked up some juice at the mall (sweet/fruity things are a must when we go there) and hopped on a trotro back to Doryumu. Though I realize it doesn’t sound like much of a day, it was so fun to feel like we could independently make our way around part of this area and do something by ourselves.

When we got back, we were greeted by most of our older boys playing a game of football (er, soccer) on the field by our school. They were telling us to come play… What they didn’t realize was that having us on their team would probably hurt them rather than help them. But we did make our way back to the field after dropping our stuff off and met Lauren, a girl who was staying with CORM for the weekend. We were told that they boys played “nice” during the game since we were playing with them. Every time I touched the ball, the boys cheered for me… Luckily they didn’t care that I usually kicked it the wrong way. My header earned me extra cheers… These kids are the best. Even though most of the kids at the school are hard, the kids that live here have been shown so much love, and it shows through their behavior and the way they love us.

And the day just kept getting better… Our Friday night dinners usually consist of fried rice, chicken, salad (which is so exciting… cold food!), and lately avocado… I look forward to it all week. But on Friday, our cook Lydia was out of town so we weren’t able to have that meal prepared. However, turns out she got back yesterday and she was able to make it for us on Saturday instead… I was so excited! John started teasing me about how much I was eating (I didn’t eat much on Friday night and he kept giving me crap for that too), but kept putting more rice on my plate… I couldn’t complain!

After dinner, we (me, Holly, John, Stacy, and two visitors, Caitlin and Adrian) hopped into the car to make a quick trip to the Beebe house. We had swapped games with them but we wanted to trade back (side note: a volunteer is bringing Ticket to Ride, Settler’s of Catan, AND Quelf this week… I am so excited!), so we made a visit. As we arrived, the four oldest Beebe boys came running at us with water guns and we got soaked! Weston didn’t even let up once I was inside, he still squirted me in the stomach! It got us all wet, but certainly also got us all laughing! After staying there for a little while and being content because Godwin had finally stopped giving me the silent treatment (he spent a few days this week deciding he didn’t want to talk to me… But since he fell asleep in my arms after church today, I think I won him back over), we headed back to the house to play a few rounds of Bohnanza (or Beans, as we call it) before bed! In the car, I got a lot of flak for my competitive (er, aggressive?) spirit that shows up greatly in Ticket to Ride… It’s not my fault that my competitive side gets shown in board games now since I don’t have volleyball as a release! Despite my competitiveness, I still lose at pretty much every game we play here… Including football (I was definitely a bad luck charm yesterday).

After everyone headed to bed, I spent about an hour on the computer trying to download a few things and using Google voice to “text” some beautiful friends back home. Even though I didn’t get to bed until late, it was such a beautiful day that I couldn’t bring myself to call it to a close! I am so thankful that I was blessed with a day that made me smile… A day where I felt filled and pleased with what my life is here. This is been a hard week, and even today has been a hard day, where I feel like I am in a constant state of wanting and missing things that I know are so far away… But within this time was a day of such rest and laughter, and for that I am so grateful!

Up-and-Down

Every week at Bible Study, Robin (see “Names” post) asks us what our “Word for the week” is… A word that describes how we are coming into the night, how we have been, what we are worried about, how we are feeling… Anything. Last week, I cheated a little and used the compound word “up-and-down”. Thank you, hyphens. But really, this was the only thing that captured my week… Whirlwind? Stressful? Unexpected? I guess those could have worked too.

Here is a mini-synopsis of the teacher situation at my school…

1.       Day before school starts, 2^nd grade teacher has to quit for a family emergency. I get asked to teach the class until Autumn can find a replacement.

2.       The end of week 2, we learn the teacher is going to be able to come back. I am told that someone else (my co-teacher) will cover Monday & Tuesday and the teacher will be back Wednesday.

3.       Teacher never comes the next week (week 3), other teacher is gone Thursday and Friday, I cover for 2^nd grade on Thursday. I get driven out of the classroom in tears and Autumn has to come cover for me while I get my act together.

4.       This week (week 4), 2^nd grade teacher finally comes back.

5.       Last Friday, 1^st grade teacher has to quit because her mom is sick. One of the kindergarten aides has been covering in the class (because the teacher missed 3 days) and was expected to continue in there.

6.       This week, the kindergarten aide doesn’t show up to school and doesn’t answer her phone when Autumn calls! Meaning that my co-teacher and I have been switching off in the class covering…

So basically, right now, we don’t have a 1^st grade teacher. My classroom is still covered in wood shavings and carpentry projects, so I haven’t been able to do any small group work… I have been doing one-on-one instruction with 2 students on the days when I haven’t been covering for a class, but that has only been two-and-a-half days (of the 16 days we’ve had of school!). Needless to say, life is a little crazy.

I feel like the message God has been trying to get across to me is “Don’t get too comfortable in the role you imagine yourself having here… I used SpEd to bring you to this country, and now I will lead you where you need to go.” As though my purpose here isn’t just in my classroom… As though there is more to this journey for me. But I don’t know what that will look like or how it will play out during my time here. So for now, I will just walk in faith day by day, trusting that even when I am put in the most random and frustrating situations, there is a reason behind it all.

There have been good parts too, both in and out of the “classroom”… Holding Bismark’s hand as we walk up-and-down the football field, counting our steps in groups of 20. Seeing his face light up when we read our Social Story about being in school and he realizes it’s a book all about him. Listening to Theresa tell me that she wants to learn to read and write, even though she is 17 years old. Watching a fashion show at the Accra mall with Holly and Paul and being so confused when the models don’t even stop at the end of the runway. Sitting on the porch drinking tea and reading my book as the rain POURS down around me. Walking and talking with Miracle, seeing the cry for attention in his eyes. Finishing a beaded necklace that has been so frustrating for me to complete. Praying fervently with Holly, Autumn, John, and Stacy at the school after dinner, when everything is dark and everyone feels disheartened. Getting an e-mail from Ryan Miller, the pastor of Branches, and being reminded of how thankful I am for that place. Hearing from Margo and imagining the sweet Spokane life of the Long/McMurray family who all love the fall season so much. Seeing pictures of my sister and her boyfriend at homecoming, looking like they had so much fun. Playing “Ticket to Ride” at the Omorefe house and slowly revealing my scary-competitiveness to Holly, Autumn, and Stacy, all the while being reminded of “Trains” nights at the Compound and missing it dearly. Seeing Moses during lunch with a huge smile on his face and a hug waiting for me. The moment last night where I felt “How can I ever leave this place? There is so much work to be done here” and being so satisfied with the place I am at. There are up-moments, for sure.

I just pray that as my time here continues, I am able to finally settle into a routine, but not a routine that brings abut ruts and complacency… If two years at Branches taught me anything, it is to not settle for ordinary or comfortable. It is to break the order, to create friction, and to take it as good and meaningful… To mix things up from time to time. And certainly, there has been plenty of “mixing” in my time here already… May flexibility reign and may teachers be called forth to this school to be leaders! We need people to make this place work!!!

Internet Fast

This weekend I got so frustrated with myself for so easily falling back into the pattern of getting on the internet constantly, checking my e-mail and hoping for a measly notification of Facebook, probably from the Whitworth Club Volleyball Team saying “Open gym tonight at 7:30 in Graves!” I would spent time waiting for my e-mail to load only to receive an e-mail from “1000 Awesome Things” or “BECU Account Statements”… I don’t even use my BECU account. In fact, I tried to close it and the teller guy is a sweet-talker and got me to keep it open… Note that I haven’t made a deposit in there for probably 4 years. But alas, I got so frustrated at spending time (and money!) looking at nothing that I told Holly to hide our “internet stick” (I still don’t get how it works) from me until Friday.

That’s not to say that I don’t LOVE hearing from people—I do! And that’s why I check my e-mail and Facebook and blog (yes, I check my own blog. I have a strange obsession with looking at my view count and trying to guess who might be looking at it) as often as I do. I eagerly await replies from friends from home, e-mails with news or fun facts or random tidbits about the life that I am used to, wedding color schemes from Tricia, news of the students coming into Caty’s class before school, the first weeks of grad school from Callie Gordon, a blog about second grade from Kaitlyn… Even though these things feel so far away, I love to hear them. But I don’t love the feeling of being pulled away from my life here to find a tiny smidgen of comfort from home on a daily basis.

I brought letters and pictures with me, and my e-mail program on my computer lets me open up all my old Whitworth e-mails even without an internet connection, so I can reply and re-read and reminisce (thank goodness… that capability has gotten me through some hard nights here). But this week, I am trying to spend more time reading and writing and praying and being here, instead of missing or searching for home.

The first two weeks that I was here we didn’t have internet access at all, and it really wasn’t that big of a deal. I wrote a lot of blogs and e-mails and awaited the day when I could post or send them all, but even though everything here was new, not having the ability to get on wasn’t that big of a deal.

Even though now we have access to it pretty much any time we want, Holly rarely gets on. Part of it is her computer wasn’t working, plus the internet makes her computer freeze (Dad, I’m really glad I brought this one and not my one from school!), but never does she complain or really miss it much. I want to be more like her in that regard… Thankful for the messages and notes I do receive in time, but not sitting around waiting or hoping for them. Just taking things as they come.

A little piece of me wants to reach across this table and take the internet out of her computer and just check my e-mail… Just in case… But what is there now will be there on Friday. And if wanting the internet is my biggest craving or pull right now, then I have bigger issues to grapple with… Issues of materialism and satisfaction in the words of other and a desire to be acknowledged. I am re-reading Donald Miller’s “Searching for God Knows What” (which I believe I mentioned in an earlier post) and he speaks so much of the human desire to be validated by those around us… “Validation” was a word that the Bat Cave (Tricia, Devin, Callie, and myself) threw around as a joke for a long time in college… Teasing ourselves for our desire to have others say that what we are doing is good or right or meaningful. When I am online, I feel as though that’s what I am looking for, even from my closest friends… Words that say to me, “I am proud of you. You are doing something special. I still love you, even from afar.” Yet, I am a walking contradiction… I will say to you, “No, I’m not doing anything special. I’m just teaching… And sometimes not even that. I’m just following a calling.”

Not to say that it’s not a leap of faith. No, this life is not for everyone. Yes, things here are HARD. Some days are harder than others. But it’s like I want to hear these things only so that I have the opportunity to try and appear humble. So that I can say “Thank you, but really, I’m just doing what I’m supposed to do.” And that defeats the entire purpose.

So in case I have thoroughly confused you, about my thoughts from West Africa, let me summarize:

I love you all. So much. And I want to hear from you. So please keep writing. Tell me about your life – that stuff is my favorite to get.

Even when it feels far away. Even when I miss it. Even when I am waiting for a student to draw a triangle on a whiteboard and I have images of driving up to the Wandermere movie theater in Tricia’s car, even when I picture myself holding a Starbucks cup with a Pumpkin Spice Latte, even when I hear about teachers at home and wonder why I am in this place or if I’m even doing the right job or if I will even be a good teacher, here or in the States… I want to hear about it all. Please.