Nerves

I've never been good at change. Since 8th grade, I would have been quick to admit that... I struggle with friendships changing, relationships being lost, comfort being shattered, and the huge pit at the bottom of my stomach that comes with the new. Sometimes I forget how much the beginning of college was a struggle for me... missing the security of home and the friends that knew me well. But now, I wish I could have stayed in those college moments forever.

But alas, I cannot. In 8 days I will go back to Spokane to see some dear friends before I leave. The Burrow will have new people living in it, volleyball girls will have taken over the Compound, I will be staying in West Central, Whitworth is no longer my school, and Louise will be surprised to see me, as I have not been to Pleasant Blends in almost 2 months... My life in Spokane is not there anymore. And that's the hardest hurdle for me to jump right now.

But it's also not the only hurdle. Anna leaves in one month to live in Germany with her wonderful husband-to-be for 3 years. Three years of uncertain visits and long distance relationships with the ones she loves... and I will miss her so.

Many friends of mine are preparing to start their own classrooms this fall all over the country, and then I think to myself, "Should I have done the same thing? Should I have applied for jobs here?"

My head tells me yes. My heart tells me "No... You are going exactly where you are supposed to be. You are going to Ghana. And God's got your back." Thank goodness.

I feel like I'm standing on a high platform over the ocean and I'm supposed to jump off, but I can't. In 32 days, God's just going to make the platform disappear, and I won't have a choice but to dive (or fall, very ungracefully) in. It feels terrifying... It feels lonely... It feels too big for me. But it is not too big for God.

Depending on who I talk to, I might get an "I couldn't do that... Good for you," a "Well it's only a year and then you can come back and do whatever else you want! You will love it so much," or an "Is it even safe there?" Possibly some other variation of essentially the same statement. No response really makes me feel any better about starting a new life in West Africa. Not even dear Margo's "We're all praying for you." But I am having a hard time praying for myself... It feels too real. And real is scary. And scary hurts. So what do I do?

I think of Kim telling me "I'm going to kick you in the ass if you don't go. You have to do this." How do I say no to that? I think this was really God talking to me through the mouth of a professor, telling me "Who are you to refuse my call?"
I think of Anna telling me, after a two-week trip to Doryumu this summer, "I'm even more excited for you to go now than I was last year when I came back."
I read blogs of those who are already in Ghana, cry, and then cry some more. And then get really excited to be there.
I think of life in two months from now... When I will have been there a month and things don't seem so scary anymore...
I remember that love does not end with distance. This is not an end, but rather a continuation with different circumstances.
I cry. A lot. And know that is okay.
And then I go.

Deuteronomy 31:6... "Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the Lord your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.”