One day...

One day, there will be a day when I leave my house and I don't fear the judgment of the cars around me or the friend on the other line. This day, I can shop and eat and hike with no fear of contamination or exposure.

One day, we will walk the halls of our respective work- schools, offices, stores, ministries, and more- with a pep in our step and a gratefulness for the people around us. Our district experienced this at the beginning of the year after our strike, and our building experienced it at a deeper level after the loss of our coworker at the same time. Friends, when that moment is over, remember how you feel. That gratitude could change your world.

One day, I will sit on the couch of my two dearest friends and hold their twin girls. Note that these two couches are different- I'm scared for what was in the water at my wedding! I will snuggle Audrey and Hazel and Jemma and Evie and be so dang grateful that I actually get to hold them in the flesh. While I anxiously await the day that the snuggling happens on my own couch, I am finding gratitude in the fact that I am not anxiously navigating pregnancy and COVID-19 at the same time.

One day, we will celebrate the anniversaries and birthdays that got pushed to the wayside. We will hug our students, go to happy hour with our friends, meet with our small groups, and buy all the damn toilet paper and eggs that we want.

 

But right now...

Right now, we dig in where we're at. We become professionals at using Zoom and we get in WAY over our heads with our big doe-eyes and our Pinterest-inspired remodel projects (read: Kathy attempts to paint the whole house by herself because social distancing is a thing and she has a meltdown by Day 3). We use Walmart grocery pick-up and we realize that the high school shelf-stockers at the store have become some of our most valued, brave, and under-appreciated members of society. We drop things off on the porch of our friends and we wave from the car because it's all we can do. We play some Mario Kart, go on an excessive number of walks, do Barre and yoga and Peleton and all the other online workouts that are suddenly available... and then we mourn all the things we're missing. This space is holy and healing, but it's also HARD.

In the midst of it all, people are SICK. While we live in our altered realities, they live in theirs- and we have to know that at any point, they could be us and we could be them. Will I forever regret that trip to Home Depot or Target? Did I get too close to someone on a walk? Should I have kept the cookies for myself? We feel frustrated because our lives look different, but this is all so trivial to the fact the people are losing their lives from a virus that seemingly can't be contained. How do we hold both realities in our hand, knowing that we are so lucky but also so not?

Ultimately, I write this from a place of privilege. While I have a job that allows me to stay at home and still receive pay, I know that this is not the reality for many. It feels as though there are so many needs right in front of me and I know how to meet very few of them. I think about my students, both current and former, for whom this is not the case... Are they eating? Are their parents angry because they are stressed? Do they still know that they are loved? In this season, I don't get the option of knowing any of these answers.

There are so many quotes around and quips of encouragement that are meant to put us at ease in this time of uncertainty. While I appreciate the sentiment and even believe them to (typically) be true, a "quick fix" of truth is not what I need in this time. I need to sit, wrestle, and grieve through it all. I need to be grateful for this time and simultaneously pained for what it took to get it. I need to trust that God knows what He's doing, but not let that take away the reality that it's still hard and scary as hell. I need to wake up and face the day- one day at a time- grateful for my health, connected to my people, and with a reality that if life hurts, that probably means we're doing it right. Ultimately, I need to know that this is so much bigger than me- it always has been and it always will be.

Dear High School Friends

*Written in 2016.... it all stands true today.

Dear High School Friends of mine,
Last night I watched you nervously check your shoes, jacket, and purses at the door as you tried to navigate a new homecoming experience. As we handed you a ticket, you held your head high, even when it felt scary, as you headed out to the dance floor surrounded by hundreds of your peers. Your makeup, your hair, your dress, your suit... All of it perfectly placed and ready to impress.

Last night I watched you kiss your boyfriends and hold hands nervously with your date and eye the couples around you. I watched the friend check her items seperately from the couple she walked in with. I watched young men mortified by the choices they made as the administrators asked them to leave. I expected defiance, but what I saw in your eyes was shame. Friends, shame was never supposed to be a part of our equation.

Sweet friends of mine, this night broke my heart in ways I wasn't expecting. As you left, your YL leaders whispered "Make good choices!" behind you. Not because it's what we always did, but because we know the pain and shame when we didn't. I worried as I saw the eyes of the girls who were more nervous at the end of the night than they were at the beginning. All they want is sleep, but will her date ask for more?

Oh, friends. How I wish I could bundle you all up tightly and whisper to you how loved you are. How cherished you are by the One who made you. I wish I could give you the courage to say "no" when the words feel heavy on your lips. I wish I could reassure you that your worth is not dependent on how you look or what you do, but solely on what Jesus did for you. I wish I could tell you how proud I am that you came to dance with your girlfriends and just enjoy life together, regardless of whether you had dates or not. I wish I could tell you how proud I am for giving him/her a chance as your date, having fun and laughing the whole night, even when things didn't go perfectly. I wish I could help you pick up the pieces in the morning, as you realize that last night ended with choices you wish you hadn't made. Oh how I wish...

More than anything, my wish for you is that in the midst of it all- the start of a new school year, big transitions in life, choices you did or didn't make, the joys and the sorrows of daily life, what homecoming night held for you- is that you would realize you are being pursued by Love himself. That each and every day, you would would find a truer and more beautiful version of yourself. The princess that you felt like on Homecoming night is how Jesus sees you each and every day, even in our darkest moments and heaviest mornings.

Love,
Your Young Life Leader