One day...

One day, there will be a day when I leave my house and I don't fear the judgment of the cars around me or the friend on the other line. This day, I can shop and eat and hike with no fear of contamination or exposure.

One day, we will walk the halls of our respective work- schools, offices, stores, ministries, and more- with a pep in our step and a gratefulness for the people around us. Our district experienced this at the beginning of the year after our strike, and our building experienced it at a deeper level after the loss of our coworker at the same time. Friends, when that moment is over, remember how you feel. That gratitude could change your world.

One day, I will sit on the couch of my two dearest friends and hold their twin girls. Note that these two couches are different- I'm scared for what was in the water at my wedding! I will snuggle Audrey and Hazel and Jemma and Evie and be so dang grateful that I actually get to hold them in the flesh. While I anxiously await the day that the snuggling happens on my own couch, I am finding gratitude in the fact that I am not anxiously navigating pregnancy and COVID-19 at the same time.

One day, we will celebrate the anniversaries and birthdays that got pushed to the wayside. We will hug our students, go to happy hour with our friends, meet with our small groups, and buy all the damn toilet paper and eggs that we want.

 

But right now...

Right now, we dig in where we're at. We become professionals at using Zoom and we get in WAY over our heads with our big doe-eyes and our Pinterest-inspired remodel projects (read: Kathy attempts to paint the whole house by herself because social distancing is a thing and she has a meltdown by Day 3). We use Walmart grocery pick-up and we realize that the high school shelf-stockers at the store have become some of our most valued, brave, and under-appreciated members of society. We drop things off on the porch of our friends and we wave from the car because it's all we can do. We play some Mario Kart, go on an excessive number of walks, do Barre and yoga and Peleton and all the other online workouts that are suddenly available... and then we mourn all the things we're missing. This space is holy and healing, but it's also HARD.

In the midst of it all, people are SICK. While we live in our altered realities, they live in theirs- and we have to know that at any point, they could be us and we could be them. Will I forever regret that trip to Home Depot or Target? Did I get too close to someone on a walk? Should I have kept the cookies for myself? We feel frustrated because our lives look different, but this is all so trivial to the fact the people are losing their lives from a virus that seemingly can't be contained. How do we hold both realities in our hand, knowing that we are so lucky but also so not?

Ultimately, I write this from a place of privilege. While I have a job that allows me to stay at home and still receive pay, I know that this is not the reality for many. It feels as though there are so many needs right in front of me and I know how to meet very few of them. I think about my students, both current and former, for whom this is not the case... Are they eating? Are their parents angry because they are stressed? Do they still know that they are loved? In this season, I don't get the option of knowing any of these answers.

There are so many quotes around and quips of encouragement that are meant to put us at ease in this time of uncertainty. While I appreciate the sentiment and even believe them to (typically) be true, a "quick fix" of truth is not what I need in this time. I need to sit, wrestle, and grieve through it all. I need to be grateful for this time and simultaneously pained for what it took to get it. I need to trust that God knows what He's doing, but not let that take away the reality that it's still hard and scary as hell. I need to wake up and face the day- one day at a time- grateful for my health, connected to my people, and with a reality that if life hurts, that probably means we're doing it right. Ultimately, I need to know that this is so much bigger than me- it always has been and it always will be.

Dear High School Friends

*Written in 2016.... it all stands true today.

Dear High School Friends of mine,
Last night I watched you nervously check your shoes, jacket, and purses at the door as you tried to navigate a new homecoming experience. As we handed you a ticket, you held your head high, even when it felt scary, as you headed out to the dance floor surrounded by hundreds of your peers. Your makeup, your hair, your dress, your suit... All of it perfectly placed and ready to impress.

Last night I watched you kiss your boyfriends and hold hands nervously with your date and eye the couples around you. I watched the friend check her items seperately from the couple she walked in with. I watched young men mortified by the choices they made as the administrators asked them to leave. I expected defiance, but what I saw in your eyes was shame. Friends, shame was never supposed to be a part of our equation.

Sweet friends of mine, this night broke my heart in ways I wasn't expecting. As you left, your YL leaders whispered "Make good choices!" behind you. Not because it's what we always did, but because we know the pain and shame when we didn't. I worried as I saw the eyes of the girls who were more nervous at the end of the night than they were at the beginning. All they want is sleep, but will her date ask for more?

Oh, friends. How I wish I could bundle you all up tightly and whisper to you how loved you are. How cherished you are by the One who made you. I wish I could give you the courage to say "no" when the words feel heavy on your lips. I wish I could reassure you that your worth is not dependent on how you look or what you do, but solely on what Jesus did for you. I wish I could tell you how proud I am that you came to dance with your girlfriends and just enjoy life together, regardless of whether you had dates or not. I wish I could tell you how proud I am for giving him/her a chance as your date, having fun and laughing the whole night, even when things didn't go perfectly. I wish I could help you pick up the pieces in the morning, as you realize that last night ended with choices you wish you hadn't made. Oh how I wish...

More than anything, my wish for you is that in the midst of it all- the start of a new school year, big transitions in life, choices you did or didn't make, the joys and the sorrows of daily life, what homecoming night held for you- is that you would realize you are being pursued by Love himself. That each and every day, you would would find a truer and more beautiful version of yourself. The princess that you felt like on Homecoming night is how Jesus sees you each and every day, even in our darkest moments and heaviest mornings.

Love,
Your Young Life Leader

World Changers.

Hello, fellow World Changer. I want you to know something today. And every day. And don't forget to remember these things about the people around you, too.

One Sunday a month I get the privilege of serving in our Sunday School room for kids with special needs at church. Sometimes we have 2-3 kids come, sometimes we have 1, and sometimes we have none. Today was a none day. But I sat and waited, hoping that one of my little friends would come and visit me so that we could play with trains or puzzles or bouncy balls or whatever else they felt like playing with in that moment. As I wait for these little guys to show, I tend to sit and pray over them and their families. This morning, I was praying for one of our kids who had a major surgery around Thanksgiving and is still recovering. I was thinking of him and his life, the way that most people would see all the things he can't do and yet his family chooses to see the joy that he brings to his life. I caught myself speaking these words to God...

"I fully believe that these guys are world changers. Not because of what they do, but simply because of who they are."

And I stopped.

This is what lead me to a faith in Jesus in the first place. I saw the way my brother, Matthew, had changed my life and I NEEDED to know why. I needed an answer for why my family would go through this. I needed an answer for why I felt so passionately called to a career in the field of special education. Since then, I have seen this population of people, my students and campers and friends and those I meet on the street, change the lives of people around them by teaching lessons that NO ONE ELSE could teach on purpose. They teach me every day simply by being who they are. It is the sweetest, most simple blessing I could ask for.

But my train of thought didn't stop there...

What if I was willing to believe that about ME? About my friends and co-workers? What if that was how I viewed baristas and salespeople and the people who get under my skin and the homeless man in the Walmart parking lot?

Let me think on those words again...

"I fully believe that these guys (you, me, all of us) are world changers. Not because of what they (we) do, but simply because of who they (we) are."

I think these are words that Jesus would pray about me. You. ALL OF US. No matter who we are, He says "You are the light of the world (Matthew 5:14)." What he doesn't say is "If you do the right things, your light will probably shine to others." No. You ARE the light simply because of WHO YOU ARE in Me. There is nothing you can do to shine a little brighter or to lose a little of your glow--- your being IS LIGHT.

He says "Good people bring good things out of the good stored up in them (Luke 6:45)" We don't bring good things to this world by working hard or having the right conversations or loving on the right people. WE ARE THE GOOD. The good of Jesus is ingrained so deeply in us, ALL OF US, that NO ONE CAN CHANGE IT and good overflows from our hearts into this beautifully broken world.

He tells us that "...all who have faith in me will do the works I have been doing, and they will do even greater things than these." In my Bible, I have "GREATER things?! Than Jesus?!" scribbled in the margin next to this verse. There are people of all races and abilities and ages and sizes and ethnicity and walks of life who believe in this great Jesus, and all of those people get to read these words. This goes for me, for the President, for a preschooler with Down Syndrome, for an adult working retail. Jesus truly believes that WE WILL ALL DO GREATER THINGS THAN HE DID. All these people, all over the world, for the last 2000 years and for all the years to come.  These things that we will do-- they don't make us better people. They don't give us more light or more good or more grace or more salvation, They are a result of the good that is inside us. To us, these things might not look like greater things than walking on water or turning water into wine or healing someone who has been paralyzed his whole life.  But...

"I fully believe that we, ALL PEOPLE, are world changers. Not because of what we do, but simply because of who we are."

When you smile at your baby as she comes home from the hospital, you are changing the world. Someone is seeing that and soaking up the love radiating from your being. When you say "Thank you" to the clerk in the grocery store out of habit, someone is taken aback that people still do and say polite things. They feel a little nudge to do the same, even if they don't work up the courage to do it quite yet. When it feels like all you do is go to school and come home and watch Netflix while eating ice cream, you can trust that your life, simply by being, is and has been and will be changing the world. People are watching and learning and growing from YOU, not because of what you do but simply because of who you are and the ways you naturally encourage people to love themselves and others and God.

Everything in our world tells us that we are not enough. We need more makeup on because our face doesn't yet look like a doll. We need new shoes and boots and pants and socks and sweaters and everything else because somehow, our entire closet and dresser full of clothes isn't enough. We need a fancier iPhone because it could be 1/8" thinner and run .174 seconds faster, so naturally that's justification for spending exorbitant amounts of money on a new one. We need to lose 15 pounds because even though that entire closet of clothes still fits you, they are a little more snug than they used to be and Megan Trainor's song is catchy but not yet something we're actually willing to believe (because "Mama, she told me 'Don't worry about your size'" and "Every inch of you is perfect from the bottom to the top" would just be too easy to actually take to heart...).

Normally, I don't get worked up about too many things. But today, THAT MAKES ME SO MAD. Mad for my middle schoolers who have these thoughts pushed into their face every day. Mad for my students who are so deeply misunderstood by so many. Mad for myself and my friends, as New Years resolutions are being thrown around like confetti because somehow, this world keeps convincing even the most level-headed and down-to-earth people that they need to do more to be enough.

Today I say to you, YOU CANNOT DO MORE. Which is awesome, because that means that YOU ARE ALREADY ENOUGH! Your presence in this world is enough to shape the lives of those around you, and sometimes that is all we can ask from ourselves on a daily basis!

Step 1: Show up.
Step 2: Change the world just a tiny bit because you did show up.
Step 3: Sleep & repeat.

I am so thankful for a God that loves us and encourages us as we are, not because of what we do. I am so thankful for a God who meets us where we are and walks with us freely, in the mess and muck and grime of our lives. "For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith-- and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God-- not by works, so that no one can boast." HALLELUJAH, WHAT A SAVIOR! Boasting is exhausting, and so is working. So stop. Breathe. And BE. That is enough.

Today, I hope you can find freedom in the fact that YOU are a world changer, because you are fearfully and wonderfully made to be light and hope and joy and all things good. YOU ARE GOOD because Jesus is SO GOOD. When the world tells you that you need to do or think or say or work more, remember that you showing up for Life every day is enough. More than enough. You showing up for life every day is changing the world. So thank you for showing up today. Keep at it, friend.

Love,
Your partner in world-changing crime.

Happy Holidays!

Holiday season is a beautiful time for catching up with old friends, seeing faces that haven't been around for a while, and reminiscing on the memories of the last year. I love the Christmas season and all of the joy and anticipation that it brings-- beautiful lights, gift-giving cheer, generosity from those who aren't usually moved in that way, and the sweet reminders of why we celebrate this season in the first place. As I have seen people over the last few weeks, I am being constantly reminded of the beauty of the season I am in and the ways God is moving, filling, and reassuring me.

A few Fridays ago, I was alone in my classroom for the afternoon during conference time. Teachers were bustling around the school meeting with parents, preparing for the next week, and eagerly looking forward to the Thanksgiving break ahead. For once, my classroom was quiet. Peaceful. And all I can remember thinking to myself is "This is a season I am going to look back on and want back."

School isn't perfect, but there are actually large chunks of fun in every day. Last year, I never. ever. in a million years. would have said that consistently. But Kendra reminds me of it often... this year has been really different, in a great way. I have HARD students, don't get me wrong. I love them all to pieces, but each of them is in their own little place on the autism spectrum and they push my buttons in their sassy and innocent ways, whether they try to or not. They say the darnedest things, such as "Boy would I!" and "This tastes adorable in my mouth!" and they drive each other mad all the time. But they also give you the funniest facial expressions and come running over so concerned when you say "My ears are bleeding!" because another little one was screaming at the top of their lungs in the highest pitch you could ever imagine. Their hearts are so good because they are so perfectly created, even in their imperfections. But then again, that's all they could say about me too. Created so beautifully imperfect. And in the transition between schools. God has been so faithful. I asked a lot of "Why?" questions, knowing that answers had to be there somewhere but really not understanding why I was being picked up from a place that I had grown to love and put into yet another new school environment, my third in three years. But my new staff has been nothing short of amazing, and I am learning that my "why?" questions might just have to be changed into "Why not?". He knows why.

WyldLife might be pretty close to perfect. Ok, that's not totally true, but the amount of love I have for these 6th-8th graders is a little ridiculous. I am seeing amazing fruit come out of my time coaching volleyball at the middle school this fall and it has been so fun to keep up with those girls and get to see them in a more relaxed setting. We are building incredible relationships with parents who are allowing groups of middle schoolers into their homes to read the Word and spend time with each other and walk with us leaders through this crazy thing called Life. We are overjoyed at a new teacher contact within Horse Heaven Hills and the opportunities that having her in our lives will bring for these kids. We get to send leaders in to eat lunch with our students and love on them in their natural environment-- the whole heart behind the ministry of YoungLife. We have a consistent, growing, AMAZING group of dedicated kids who are coming week after week to be loved on and laughed with and even tormented a little while they drink blended Thanksgiving dinner and have marshmallows covered in mustard dropped into their mouths. They are so brave, both with their actions and their words. I am so humbled to know and lead them.

This fall has been a season of traveling to Spokane quite often, friends moving to far away places, beginning to coach club volleyball for the first time, and settling into Year 2 in the Tri-Cities. It has brought new adventures, new people, and new perspective on the life I am living here. While I still long for the red dirt and bright smiles of my Ghanaian home, I am also striving to live a beautifully broken life here in the good ol' US of A as well. I am continuously humbled by a God who cares about things like getting kids to camp and connections between a coach and her players. But I also know that this season will pass, and I will get deeper into the mess that is life, remembering that "Thankfulness is not some sort of magic formula; iti s the language of Love, which enables you to communicate intimately with Me. A thankful mindset does not entail a denial of reality with its plethora of problems. Instead, it rejoices in Me, your savior, in the midst of trials and tribulations. I am your refuge and strength, an ever-present and well-proved help in trouble" (Jesus Calling, 11/22). Until then, and through then, I rejoice. A savior is born.

Merry Christmas, dear friends.

Magical Monday.

Today as I sat on the ground next to our snack cupboard, my heart hurt as I watched my sweet "I" cry, using his broken words and sign language to ask me for more candy. "First art, then candy" I repeat to him, though the desire in his eyes pierces me.

Before I realize what's happening, "N" has turned around in his (my) swivel chair, and wraps his arms around "I". Not in the gruff, frustrated way that I expected, but in a sweet, tender way... "Oh, come here!" he says. I look up at the two boys, ages 7 and 9, not yet realizing how sweet this moment would be. With genuine concern in his eyes, "N" aims to settle "I"... "You need to calm down... Take deep breaths!" With that, "N" tries to get him to breathe... Inhaling and exhaling himself, though "I" seems to take no notice.

I was brought to tears instantly... This boy has been fighting us, struggling to make the right choices, refusing to cooperate... Yet his heart is so gentle.

Today, my classroom was (relatively) quiet. That NEVER happens... and you would need to witness a typical day with my (usually... sometimes... kind of) sweet kiddos to treasure the quiet as much as we did. I am humbled by the way my kids served each other today... Sometimes it was with a desire to earn fruit snacks and other times it was so that they could get to a preferred activity sooner, but they still did it. Again, that never happens... and I am thankful. I'll leave out the part about my 6 year old saying he "hates" things or that "this is BS" (though he definitely doesn't abbreviate!) 32 times in a 15-minute work session... Today, that part's not important. There was love in my classroom... and that's the best Monday I could have asked for!

"God loves you the same."

This week, I received five letters from precious little souls who live halfway around the world from me. As someone whose love language includes the written word, these letters were tools to both fill me up and allow tears to come crashing down upon me. I miss them... so much.

But there was a line that stuck with me. Sweet Grace, 16 years old, was thanking me for the time I spent in Ghana last year, and she told me "Thank you for loving us. God loves you the same."

So simple... Yet how quickly I forget.

I know how much I adore these children... I am not a parent and while I hope to be some day, I know there is a love that cannot be matched outside of parenting... But this love that I do feel, whatever kind it may be, is still consuming... powerful... strong... It makes me weep as I yearn to be back with their sweet souls. I long for all 41 children I lived with to know how deeply I love them and how much I want the best for them. I want Florence to know how deeply the pain in her eyes pierces my heart every time I look at the pictures from the day I left. How badly I wish I could just bring her home with me... Yet I know that God has a greater plan for her in Ghana. I want the older kids to know that regardless of their past or lies that have been said about then or pain that they continue to work through, they are beautiful in my eyes and have so much to live for. I want them all to know how deeply I love them.

And then Grace's words sink in... "God loves you the same."

In this case, it means that God wants all these things and more... for me. The Psalms tell me that he wants to grant the desires of my heart... To guide me down a path of righteousness... To set me free from my past... To lead me to a place of rest and worship... He wants me to trust this His plans are good...

He wants me to remember that He loves me the same. I can only imagine how strong that Love must be...

So thankful for the beautiful, wise Grace!

Volleyball.

At the top of this blog, I have a quote from Alan Cohen: "It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new. But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful. There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is life, and in change there is power.”

I found this quote during my sophomore year of college when I wanted to quit the volleyball team. I posted it on Facebook, but I didn't say what I was referring to because I didn't want people to know I was going to quit. By the end of my sophomore season, I was done. Swearing under my breath at people on my way to the gym for practice every day because I hated going there. Upset at myself for not getting better. Hating everything about that season. When my season ended two weeks early on a bad ankle sprain, I was a mess. I screamed like a crazy person when I got injured-- not because I was in so much pain, but because I believed my competitive volleyball career was over and I was pissed that it ended on a bad block. If you have never had your hands clamp up because you are crying so hard, I advise you to keep it that way. Sorry for anyone in the Fieldhouse (Mara Birge, you are a saint!) who had to listen to that. Cheree, thank you for not murdering me because I was ridiculous.

Rocking the Big Black Blob sweats and finally off crutches.

In my mind, I was done. Finished forever. Never going to play in a volleyball game again.
Yet, as usual, God works in ridiculous ways and I ended up playing my junior season. I was even excited about it. After our spring tournament at SFCC (Dizz, I wouldn't have made it if you hadn't broken into my room and woken me up. What a blessing you are), I was in. I had to be-- I was having too much fun to not play again.

Come training camp, I knew four days in that I had made a horrible mistake. But there I was-- tryouts had happened, people had been cut, and I was on the team. At that point, I knew I was going to give it my all for that season and be done at the end. Darcy McMurray, as much as I want to blame you, I can't thank you enough for convincing me to play that next year, because...

"You make beautiful things, you make beautiful things out of the dust..."

Tonight is Senior Night for the sweet freshmen that were on that junior year team. Bruister, J, and Stine... Add Whit and Anna into the mix, and you've got a class of five seniors that are rounding out their volleyball careers tonight. Right now, I'm online watching J dominate the outside and  "Stad-a-lee," as the announcer is saying, take on the role of middle. Stine's rocking the block and Whit is digging up a storm and loving every second of it. I remember my practices, games, and conference championship with these ladies and am so excited about how far they have come. I am so proud of my "B side"-- thanks for pushing me even when I didn't want to push myself. Kate, Holly, and Abi, you deserve that thanks just as much as anyone.

"Freshmen and Kathy"... I wouldn't have had it any other way.

I also remember the way that my junior year of volleyball blessed me, even in the midst of frustration and pain. That season, I learned how to serve without receiving anything in return. I learned that amazing things can happen when you make an intentional choice to make a situation the best it can be. I learned that if you wait long enough and try hard enough, Randi Stephens will be a friend for life. I learned that even when you aren't in the spotlight, there are always people who look up to you. And I learned that I still loved the game of volleyball, even if I didn't love to play it competitively anymore.

Senior Night.

I am amazed at the adventures that God has had me on since that time. "In movement there is life, and in change there is power"... I loved that line from the first time I read the quote, but I love it even more now that I can reflect on the power, change, adventure, and movement there has been in my life since the day I sat in Rupe's office with him and Darcy crying my eyes out, saying "I can't do it anymore" and them simply saying "We know, but we still love you." A decision that I put off for over a year was finally made, and chains were broken. I was free.

Tonight, as I watch the last set of teammates I ever had finishing out their careers, I am thankful for the role that volleyball played in my life. Sure, I haven't touched a ball in over a year and those days seem like a whole different lifetime, but even in the midst of pain, that junior year season-- one of the most emotionally challenging of my life-- taught me more about myself than I could ever imagine. Thanks, Whitworth Volleyball-- now go beat Linfield!!

My dear Randi/Randizzle/Dizz. Taken this past summer in Montana... So thankful for this girl!